We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked.... "What did you call it?" It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... ( Sorry, actual picture of the elephant wouldn't copy 'n paste)
Posted by John Mills on September 22, 2014
These classified ads were really put in the paper FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Posted by John Mills on September 21, 2014
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said.. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend and had slept in her barn.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” Said Bob
“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid that I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
Posted by John Mills on September 20, 2014
‘What troubles you, Sister ?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ said Mother Superior. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing ?’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it !’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee – and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my !’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate. But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister !’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway !’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme !’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother !’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself, eh. And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws.’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup !’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said . . .
‘You missed the f—ing putt, didn’t you ?’
Posted by John Mills on September 19, 2014
Wisdom From Grandpa
It Is Hard To Understand How A Cemetery Raised Its Burial Rates;
And Blamed It On The Cost Of ‘Living’.
If You Haven’t Got A Smile On Your Face And Laughter In Your Heart,
Then You Are Just A Sour Old Fart!
Posted by John Mills on September 18, 2014
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…
Posted by John Mills on September 17, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 15, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 13, 2014