Google Pizza

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it’s Google Pizza.              I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.       OK. I would like to order a pizza.       Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at London Drugs, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago.

Advertisements

A First Time for Everything

If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

SENIOR REFLECTIONS‏

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …

-———

Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese … FINE, it was a pizza … I ate a pizza …
———-
How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.
———-
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web …
———-
I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …
———–
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it …

————-

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it … When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel …
————-
Senility has been a smooth transition for me …
————-
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
————-
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this …
————-
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him …
————–
My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
————–
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day …
————-

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

Groan

A burger walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here’

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall

Why can’t you play poker on the African Savanna? There’s too many cheetahs.

What’s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me.

Why is it always hot in the corner of a room? Because a corner is 90 degrees.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? It’s two-tired.

My dolphin puns are terrible on porpoise.

I’m thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.

Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND……

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

( If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk! )

Common Sense

An Obituary printed in the London Times…..Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

This was sent in to me by one of my readers.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
– I Know My Rights
– I Want It Now
– Someone Else Is To Blame
– I’m A Victim
– Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Amen!

It’s Just Mathematics

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…it goes like this:
 

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 

and 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But ,
 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!

Eye Test

eye001

 

The School of Psychology, Harvard University, conducted a survey called “What really do you see?” 

People were asked to focus their attention on a simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.

Now you have the chance to take part in this survey.

Study the picture for about a minute; then identify what you see that is HORRENDOUS.

 

 

Results of the Survey:

1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the bosom.

2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

 

The real answer: There’s a mouse on one of the doughnuts!

Damn! I failed it again!

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.  The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7) .
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent .
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.
The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain,or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day,commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 perday — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……and no one even knows his name.
I think this is my favorite e-mail ever!