Oh Canada !!!

DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 – Moved to our new home in Canada.  I am so excited. It’s so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic.  Can hardly wait to see
them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 – Canada.  It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be
paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11 – Remembrance Day.  Deer season starts soon.  I can’t imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it snows soon.
I love it here.

Dec. 2 – It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I
won).  When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What
a beautiful place.  I love Canada.

Dec. 12 – More snow last night.  The snow plough did his trick again
to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 – More snow last night.  Couldn’t get out of the driveway to
get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fucking
snow plough.

Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night.  I’ve got blisters
on my hands and a sore back from shoveling.  I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway.  Asshole.

Dec. 25 – Merry Fucking Christmas!  More frigging snow. If I ever get
my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I’ll
kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to
melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 – More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white
shit and it’s so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10
inches of the shit again tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow
10 inches is?

Dec. 28 – That fucking weatherman was wrong.  We got 34 inches of the
shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snow  plough
got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door
and asked to borrow my shovel.  After I told him that I had already
broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway,
I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about
$3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed.
The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them
all last November.

May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 – Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right
mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada.

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How to distinguish between Canadians, Americans, British and Australians

Aussies:
Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits:
Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your
club.
Americans:
Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians:
Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies:
Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians:
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans:
Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits:
Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans:
Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians:
Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits:
Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies:
Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans:
Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits:
Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians:
Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans:
Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits:
Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians:
Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they
beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies:
Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they played them in.

Americans:
Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”
Brits:
Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”
Canadians:
Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies:
Add “G’day”, “mate,” and a heavy accent to everything they say, and
can’t say “r”.

Brits:
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies:
Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans:
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a
backwards country.
Canadians:
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a
backwards country.

Aussies:
Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans:
Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the
point of blindness.
Canadians:
Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered
to sing them.
Brits:
Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the
anthem.

Brits:
Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans:
Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present
citizens.
Canadians:
Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies:
Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw
Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans:
Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians:
Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits:
Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies:
Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians:
Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans:
Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits:
Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians:
Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits:
Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans:
Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies:
Don’t understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies:
Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians:
Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short,
Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans:
Think that these people are American!
Brits:
Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because
they don’t understand subtle humor.