Smile While You Still Have Teeth

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.”  Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,  “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


Life is short,


Give me an Amen brothers and sisters!

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So… What’s the problem?

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”

(YES, YES, GO AHEAD – READ IT AGAIN)

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Water in the carburetor

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the river”.

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This is a frightening statistic !

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Walmart?

 

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He must pay !

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

 

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Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

All-girl Biker Bar

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…

Football explained by a blonde!‏

Football  FINALLY makes sense……….
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first  football game. They had great seats right behind their  team’sbench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.’Oh, I  really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tightpants and all the big muscles, But I just couldn’t understand why they  were killing  each other
over 25 cents.’

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you  mean?’

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the  rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents.

 

Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised  her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in  New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work , but , I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave .

I thought that maybe if I acted ‘ Crazy ‘ then he would tell me to take a few days off .

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises .

My co-worker ( who’s blonde ) asked me what I was doing .

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘ Crazy ‘ and give me a few days off .

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked , ‘ What in the name of *** are you doing ?’

I told him I was a light bulb .

He said , ” You are clearly stressed out , go home and recuperate for a couple of days “

I jumped down and walked out of the office

When my co-worker ( the blonde ) followed me , the Boss asked her , ” And where do you think you’re going ?”

You’re gonna love this………………..

She said , ” I’m going home , too , I can’t work in the dark .”

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend accept this. Now I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

Password of a Blonde

Good Golf Story

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.Naturally, the guys all agreed.Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at

it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”

The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little

weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every
hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a
par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use
or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”


REMEMBER…

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

The Blizzard and the Blonde

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work.  She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

 
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it.  As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

 
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

 
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.