So… What’s the problem?

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”

(YES, YES, GO AHEAD – READ IT AGAIN)

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Water in the carburetor

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the river”.

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This is a frightening statistic !

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Walmart?

 

===============================================

He must pay !

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

 

==============================

Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

The Difference Between Men and Women

New Book Release‏

Just letting you know that the book, “Understanding Women”, is now out in paperback.

 

New Book Release‏

Deep thoughts…‏

Deep thoughts001 Deep thoughts002 Deep thoughts003 Deep thoughts004 Deep thoughts005 Deep thoughts006 Deep thoughts007 Deep thoughts008 Deep thoughts009 Deep thoughts010 Deep thoughts011 Deep thoughts012 Deep thoughts013 Deep thoughts014 Deep thoughts015 Deep thoughts016 Deep thoughts017 Deep thoughts018 Deep thoughts019

 

    “Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.”

Our Computer Dependency‏

Here is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers:

Question:

Are you Male or female?

To find out the answer, Look down…

Look down, dammit,

Not scroll down!

Mystery, thy name is woman‏

    WOMEN’S  REVENGE 

‘Cash,  check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the  woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for  her wallet,  I noticed a  remote control for a television set in her  purse. 
‘So, do  you always carry your TV remote?’ I  asked. 
‘No,’  she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come  shopping with me, and I  figured this was the most evil thing I could do to  him legally.’ 
 
UNDERSTANDING  WOMEN 
(A MAN’S  PERSPECTIVE) 
I know  I’m not going to understand  women.  I’ll  never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair  out by the root, and still  be afraid of a spider.   
 
WIFE  VS. HUSBAND 
A couple  drove down a country road for several miles, not  saying a word. An earlier discussion had led  to an argument and neither of them wanted to  concede their position…  As  they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and  pigs, the  husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of  yours?’ 
‘Yep,’  the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’ 
 
WORDS 
A husband  read an article to his wife about how many words  women use a day.  30,000 to  a man’s 15,000.  The  wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we  have to repeat everything to men… The  husband then turned to his wife and asked,  ‘What?’ 
CREATION 
A man  said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t  know  how you can  be so  stupid and so  beautiful  all at  the same  time.  ‘The  wife  responded,  ‘Allow me to explain.God made me  beautiful  so you would  be  attracted to  me; God made me  stupid so I  would be attracted to you! 
 
WHO  DOES WHAT 
A man  and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each  morning. 
The wife  said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get  our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in  charge of cooking around here and you should  do it, because that is your job, and I can just  wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you  should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that  the man should do the coffee.’ 
Husband  replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So  she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old  Testament and showed him at the top of several  pages, that it indeed says …  ‘HEBREWS’ 
The  Silent Treatment 
A man and  his wife were having some problems at home and were  giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,  he would need his wife to wake  him at 5:00  AM for an early morning business  flight. 
Not  wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please  wake me at 5:00 AM ….’  He left it  where he knew she would find  it. 
The next  morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was  9:00 AM  and he had  missed his flight
Furious, he  was about to go and  see why his  wife hadn’t wakened him, when he  noticed a piece of paper by  the  bed. 
The paper  said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..’
Men are not  equipped for these kinds of  contests. 
 
God may  have created man before woman, but there is always  a     rough draft  before the masterpiece 
 
SEND  THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN  YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

MALE LOGIC… FLAWLESS

Critical Thinking
At Its Best!
 
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which
puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
 Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home…

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!’

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper..

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed..
At 09 P..M ..
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love,
Which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: –
‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!’

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’

This has been voted Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year!

Funny Quotes from Phyllis Diller

  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  • The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
  • I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, “MALE & FEMALE” procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’ 
*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it…. A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.

(Ed. In my defence I received this from a member of the fairer sex)