Government Stimulus

This is how it works folks

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. 

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is
 from Minnesota. 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
 measuring,then works some figures with a pencil. 

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers, “$2,700.” 

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the
 other guys!How did you come up with such a high figure?” 

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and wehire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” 

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how a stimulus plan works.

A Pilot Father’s Love..‏

You never know – it might work….
Love…

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control  kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.
I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, the kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with a child, in case you would like to use the technique. 

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A Pilot Father's Love

Should work with grandkids
also!

Lateral Thinking

Check out your lateral thinking power!

The first 4 images are the questions and the answers are given at the end.


Please do not look at the answers first, these are really good. Try it.

Question 1
Lateral thinking_001

Question 2
Lateral thinking_002

Question 3
Lateral thinking_003

Question 4
Lateral thinking_004

ANSWERS
* 1. The last person took the basket with the egg in it.
* 2. All the other card players were women.
* 3. Pour the juice from the second glass into the fifth.
* 4. The recluse lived in a lighthouse.

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE . . .
JUST AS I DID!

Senior Ladies Have All The Answers

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE  SENIORS…
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was  lost.

She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie

Amazing photos.
One last look back at those amazing Jubilee celebrations . . . as seen by the ‘Tail-end Charlie’ in Britain’s last airworthy Lancaster

Incredible footage has been released showing the bird’s eye view enjoyed by crew aboard a Lancaster bomber flying over London for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The aeroplane, which is part of the RAF’s Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF), flew in formation with aircraft including a Spitfire, Hurricane and Dakota transport aircraft down The Mall, followed by the Red Arrows aerobatic team – to the delight of crowds and the Royal Family at Buckingham Palace below.

As well as preserving a fleet of priceless aircraft and keeping them in tip-top flying condition, the BBMF reminds the nation of the sacrifices made during World War Two.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_001

Spectacular: The tail gunner’s view from the Lancaster bomber, as it completed the Diamond Jubilee flypast. Buckingham Palace Gardens can be seen behind the tail of a Hurricane fighter, also of the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight, which flew in formation with the Lancaster

Final approach: The RAF Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Lancaster lines up alongside the Thames with Charing Cross Station ahead of it in the final moments before it flies over the Mall

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_002

View from above: Hundreds of thousands of people crowd The Mall below the Lancaster bomber

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_003

Target in sight! The nose of the Lancaster passes over the Mall and towards Buckingham Palace during the climax of its flypast

Based at RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire, many of its personnel, including pilots, are volunteers and the flight costs about £3m a year to run.

Squadron Leader Ian Smith, who is in charge of the BBMF, is the only permanent member, with all of the remaining pilots, navigators, air engineers and other crew coming from different airbases and ordinarily flying several different types of aircraft; from Typhoon fighters to the huge Hercules transport plane.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_004

Cramped: The footage shows just how tight a fit it can be aboard a vintage aircraft

Tight squeeze: Crew aboard the Lancaster bomber

The aircrew give up three out of every four weekends from May to the end of September in order to fly and display the historic aircraft.

The footage, released by the Ministry of Defence, shows just how tight a fit it can be aboard a vintage aircraft, with the crew – clearly eager to catch a glimpse of the Queen – taking up most of the available space.

The historic flight includes the Lancaster, which first saw service in 1942. The ‘Lanc’ was the most famous of the Second World War bombers and gained renown for its starring role in the momentous ‘Dambuster’ raid on Germany’s Ruhr Valley in 1943.

Carrying a payload of 22,000lb and with a 1,500-mile range, the RAF bomber wreaked havoc on Germany. Some 3,500 were lost in a_ction during the war.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_005

The view of Buckingham Palace and The Mall beyond from the Lancaster bomber

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_006

In formation: Incredible footage has been released showing the view enjoyed by crew aboard a Lancaster bomber flying over London for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations

Hurricane single-seater fighters played a crucial role in the Battle of Britain. Heavier and slower than the Spitfire, it was considered the RAF’s ‘workhorse’ against the Luftwaffe.

A remarkable total of 14,533 Hurricanes were built and served operationally on every day and in every theatre during the war. Only 12 are still airworthy worldwide.

The Spitfire is the iconic fighter that won legendary status against the Luftwaffe in the Battle of Britain. It possessed atop speed of 378mph, an altitude of 35,000ft and armed with two 20mm cannons, four Browning machine guns and two 250lb bombs.

One of the four that flew yesterday was P7350 – the oldest airworthy Spitfire in the world and the only one which actually fought in the Battle of Britain. It was shot up by a Messerschmitt 109 during combat in October 1940 but its wounded Polish pilot Ludwik Martel managed to crash-land it, wheels up, near Hastings.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_007

The pride of Britain: The vintage planes – all powered by classic World War Two Merlin engines – roar across the London sky

Flypast: The Duchess of Cornwall, the Prince of Wales, the Queen, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry watch the aerial action

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_008

Aerobatic aces: The Red Arrows display team fly in formation over Buckingham Palace

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_009

Stirring image: The Lancaster, centre, was accompanied by two Spitfires on both flanks and tailed by a Hurricane

A Funny To Lighten The Day!

The Pope has finally lifted the ban on condoms but further training is required!

A Funny To Lighten The Day

An Amazing Airplane

AN AMAZING AIRPLANE_001

The most amazing airplane in History….For the Airplane Buffs.

Built in Russia during the 1930s, it flew 11 times before crashing and killing 15 people.

The designer, Konstantin Kalinin, wanted to build two more planes but the project was scrapped.

Later, Stalin had Kalinin executed.

Evidently, it was not good to fail on an expensive project under Stalin.

It’s got propellers on the back of the wings, too. You can count 12 engines facing front.

The size would be equivalent to the Empire State Building on its side, with cannons.

And you think the 747 was big… not only a bunch of engines but check out the cannons the thing was carrying.

In the 1930s the Russian army was obsessed by the idea of creating huge planes.

At that time they were proposed to have as many propellers as possible to help carry those huge flying fortresses into the air, jet propulsion has not been implemented yet.

Not many photos were saved from those times because of the high secrecy levels of such projects and because a lot of time has already passed.
AN AMAZING AIRPLANE_002
AN AMAZING AIRPLANE_003

Can you imagine what it would be like sitting in this thing when those cannons go off?
Looks like something out of a Jules Verne novel
AN AMAZING AIRPLANE_004AN AMAZING AIRPLANE_005
WOW !!!!!!

Golfers with below par IQs‏

Golfers with below par IQs‏

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for
practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole
list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.
 .
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
 

Gotta love Johnny!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.  Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.  The teacher held her breath…

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog shit!’

“Then I would say, ‘It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’

“I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”

Bohemian Gravity

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rjbtsX7twc

 

(Ed. via The Thinking Atheist on Facebook)