Modern Day Renaissance Masterpiece

http://twistedsifter.com/2016/01/nye-photo-from-manchester-is-modern-day-renaissance-masterpiece/

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD ,AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George  Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going  up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the  garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened  the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in  the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is  someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking  into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher  said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will  be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up  the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were  people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about  them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating  them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police  Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic  and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the  burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George,  “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you  said there was nobody available!”

(True  Story)

LOVE IT!
Don’t  mess with old  people.

 

(Ed – True story? – you be the judge – http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.asp)

Dubai is different‏

 

1. Guys texting and driving with their pets.

Dubai is different‏ 001

2. Strange dogs hanging out of windows.

Dubai is different‏ 002
3. People getting taken for walks by their pets.

Dubai is different‏ 003

4. Pets getting exotic snacks.
Dubai is different‏ 004

5. Supercar traffic jams.
Dubai is different‏ 005

6. Smart solutions to traffic jams.
Dubai is different‏ 006

7. Pets on boats.
Dubai is different‏ 007

8. Parked camels.
Dubai is different‏ 008

9. Car park attendants you don’t want to mess with.
Dubai is different‏ 009

10. Backseat drivers you back away from.

Dubai is different‏ 010
11. Bikes with a serious amount of horsepower.
Dubai is different‏ 011

12. Lamborghini cop cars.
Dubai is different‏ 012

13. Seriously, don’t mess.
Dubai is different‏ 013

14. Cops busting themselves.
Dubai is different‏ 014

15. Road hogs.
Dubai is different‏ 015

  16. Reeeeeeeaaallllly double-wides.
Dubai is different‏ 016
17. Stand-up paddle boarders.
Dubai is different‏ 017
18. People walking their camels.
Dubai is different‏ 018
19. Bizarre balancing acts

Dubai is different‏ 019

20. Cell phones worth more than your house.

Dubai is different‏ 020
21. ATMs spitting out gold.

Dubai is different‏ 021

22. Bathrooms that look like this.

Dubai is different‏ 022
23. Bedrooms that looks like this.

Dubai is different‏ 023
24. Grooms wanted.

Dubai is different‏ 024
25. Exotic cuisine.

Dubai is different‏ 025

26. Free food for the poor.

Dubai is different‏ 026
27. Modest Starbucks outlets.

Dubai is different‏ 027

VERY DIFFERENT !

 

Top 8 Morons Of 2013

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???  AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.  He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:  Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!!!   A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When  detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???    A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only  two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.  ‘No!’ the  man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7.   NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!   In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.   (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!   Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.    The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS   TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

From the mouths of…‏

From the mouths of...‏001 From the mouths of...‏002 From the mouths of...‏003 From the mouths of...‏004 From the mouths of...‏005 From the mouths of...‏006 From the mouths of...‏007 From the mouths of...‏008 From the mouths of...‏009 From the mouths of...‏010 From the mouths of...‏011 From the mouths of...‏012 From the mouths of...‏013 From the mouths of...‏014 From the mouths of...‏015 From the mouths of...‏016 From the mouths of...‏017 From the mouths of...‏018 From the mouths of...‏019 From the mouths of...‏020 From the mouths of...‏021

Humor

There are chuckles in here  a good laugh a day keeps the doctor away!

Humor001 Humor002 Humor003 Humor004 Humor005 Humor006 Humor007 Humor008 Humor009 Humor010 Humor011 Humor012 Humor013 Humor014 Humor015 Humor016 Humor017 Humor018 Humor019 Humor020 Humor021 Humor022 Humor023 Humor024 Humor025 Humor026 Humor027 Humor028 Humor029 Humor030 Humor031 Humor032 Humor033 Humor034 Humor035 Humor036 Humor037 Humor038

Just For Smiles

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RECTUM STRETCHER‏

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,”What’s your hurry?”To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? “he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket – $95.00
Court Costs – $45.00
Look on the Cop’s Face … PRICELESS.

Cop Story

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

Cop StoryI asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a friggin’ thing!”

SPEEDING TICKET

TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET IN KELOWNA B.C.
SPEEDING TICKET1

Two RCMP Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 97, just north of Kelowna.
One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the city.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
SPEEDING TICKET2
Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops on Highway 97 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to an
RCAF CF-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise in the area.

Back at RCMP Headquarters in Kelowna the RCMP Superintendant fired off a complaint to the Base Commander of the CF-18’s in Cold Lake Alberta for shutting (actually frying it) down the Highway Patrol’s Radar.

The reply came back in true Royal Canadian Air Force style:
“Thank you for your letter . . .
“You may be interested to know that the tactical computer on the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to,
your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.” 

“Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment’s location.” 

“Fortunately, the Air Force pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, and quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile
was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 97. The bottom line is “your guys were fucking lucky they didn’t get their doors blown off!
“The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.”
“Staff Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.”
If you need any more details, please don’t hesitate to call.
Per Ardua Ad Astra!