Tom’s Operation…..HILARIOUS!!!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.  “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom…  “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, “I’m Tom Smith.

The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum .”

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a  University   of Arizona   chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:  

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:  
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in  Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:    

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.    
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?    
If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Size Matters

(Are tweets ‘sent’?  I’m not sure but it’s my blog so I can make up the rules as I go.) 

 … slider lets you zoom from the tiniest particle to the largest galaxies and beyond.

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed,  ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it …circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Well Known Proverbs – updated

(Not actually ‘sent’ to me – a FaceBook friend shared it as a picture.  Too good not to include here.)

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. I am going to use this in poetry workshops under “use of the imagination.”

Read The Label First!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I’d like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume –
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is…

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century) 
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Southern Humour

Alabama      A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked. “Henry had a stroke o’ some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied . “You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired. “A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”


Georgia
  The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”


Louisiana
  A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi   The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina  A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.” The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ ”

***

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.