Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.’

St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.’

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.

‘How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’

Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve?  Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ‘

‘Hold it,’ interrupts St.Peter.  ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.  Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God’s first name’?

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’

‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.  ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’

‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied.’  I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’

Humor

There are chuckles in here  a good laugh a day keeps the doctor away!

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The Stud


Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.  You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as  priests.

“What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above  the Rocky Mountains .”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this  week ‘count’ St. Peter?” ”

“No I told you the computer’s down, There’s no way we can keep track of what  you are doing.”

“In that case” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.

“Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter, “He’s somewhere over the  Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more  difficult.”

Why asks the Lord

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan ”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.’

‘Oh’, said the man. ‘Whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s’, replied St. Peter. ‘The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

‘Incredible’, said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Mike Duffy’s clock?’ asked the man.

St Peter replied, ‘Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.’

Steve Jobs Cartoons

This is truly clever—-enjoy—Steve Jobs

18 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash ….

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

THOUGHTS ON LIFE

A Conversation In Heaven.

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down
into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all
the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —we’d both still be alive.

Steve Jobs Tribute Cartoons

Who could have thought of a better tribute?

Sparky

A Sparky (‘Electrician’ Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on
his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is
playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd
cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake
his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter
himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been
waiting a long time for you.”

“Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky (‘Electrician’
Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint
Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to
obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t
remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because
I’m a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades”

“We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God
himself wants to see you!”

The Sparky (‘Electrician’ Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can
only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power
of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life
in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be
found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “We’ve added up your
time sheets.”

“The Lie-Clock”

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”  St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”  “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s George W. Bush’s clock?” asked the man.

“Dubya’s clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”