Exercises for Seniors

Carefull now, don’t over do this.
Latest Cardiovascular Exercise for people 50 and older
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
Pass to all 50 yrs. and older.
Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
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That’s enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of Wine

Curtains

A woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains in many different fabrics and proceeds to show them to her.
She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, “What size do you need?”
“Fifteen inches,” she responds.
“FIFTEEN INCHES!” he exclaims. “What room are they for?”
“They are not for a room, they are for my computer monitor,” she tells him.
The surprised salesman exclaims, “Miss, computers do not need curtains.”
To which she replies, “HELLooooooo………I’ve got Windows!”

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his Headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO
FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Germany’s Dishwasher Commercial

Across Germany ‘s northern-most border with Denmark you’ll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you need – tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap – at prices 30% cheaper than you’ll find in Denmark.  It is Denmark’s Costco, packaged as a German loophole.  This is their advertisement! The 100+ women do stunts in the air – while free-falling – holding hands to spell out “Half-off on Dishwasher  at Fleggaard.” You’d be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn’t seen and fallen in love with this commercial.  It was geared strictly to men.  The ad is real! Here is a link to what men think is the best advertisement ever made.



Http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

(Ed. Beware vid is loud – and no apparent volume control.)

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS‏

 

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.  THE KIT WILL
INCLUDE THE NECESSARY 5 MM ALLEN KEY FOR ASSEMBLY.
SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE…… 
 
Just as I figured – battery not
included!

The Aging Optimist

YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD ON, I COULDN’T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

I’M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND.

SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT?

WELL, I’M JUST WONDERING

HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

Book Report

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.





One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: Cost – $29.99 

Clinton : Cost – $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing

Putting Your Affairs In Order.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those b *t ches sleeping with your father   after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

Women are angels,

but when someone breaks our wings,

we simply continue to fly on a broomstick.

We ’ re flexible like that .

Good Golf Story

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.Naturally, the guys all agreed.Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at

it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”

The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little

weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every
hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a
par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use
or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”


REMEMBER…

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

1910 Ford

Make sure you read all the statistics under the photo.

This has only been 102 years ago…Amazing
Show this to your friends, children and/or grandchildren
And/or great-grandchildren!
The year is 1910, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! 

Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

************ ********* ************

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian  Between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per
year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME..

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as
‘substandard.’

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, Regulates the stomach and bowels,
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health’

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD – all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.