If The World Were 100 People

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COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

http://goo.gl/jZgY5j

Diversity & Inclusion – Love Has No Labels

A Hospital Bill

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”
asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

hospitalbill

A Real Dilemma

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas …Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.” But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

Directions to Heaven‏

Your smile for the day…. just had to forward this one
 
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday…I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “You’re bullshitting me, right?   You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

 


 

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

 


 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

 


 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 


 

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

 


 

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 


 

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

 


 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

 


 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

 

 

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

 


 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 


 

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 


 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 


 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 


 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 


 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 


 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 


 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 


 

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 


 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 


 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 


 

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
… AMEN

 

Who created dogs??‏

If you don’t read till the end you have missed the best part.

The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets
Who created dogs005

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’Who created dogs001

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG.’

Who created dogs006

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

Who created dogs007

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

 

Who created dogs008

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

 

Who created dogs002

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

Who created dogs009

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy

.Who created dogs003

And Cat . . .
Who created dogs004

didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

A fair question

A fair question

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and  setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine………

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly

completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint

from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

“Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

“Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!”