All posts tagged Senior
More than just a picture
Posted by John Mills on June 23, 2018
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2018/06/23/more-than-just-a-picture/
SENIOR REFLECTIONS
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …
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Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese … FINE, it was a pizza … I ate a pizza …
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How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
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I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web …
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I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …
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A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it …
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it … When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel …
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Senility has been a smooth transition for me …
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Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
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I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this …
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A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him …
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
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I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day …
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“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”
Posted by John Mills on June 20, 2016
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/senior-reflections%e2%80%8f/
Earliest born individual captured on film.
Hannah Stilley, born 1746, photographed in 1840. Thought to be the earliest born individual captured on film. https://t.co/lIOi5gjhJi—
History In Pictures (@HistoryInPics) April 20, 2016
Posted by John Mills on April 21, 2016
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/earliest-born-individual-captured-on-film/
SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR
Posted by John Mills on January 8, 2016
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2016/01/08/smiles-to-start-your-new-year/
11 Facts Everyone Should Know About Dementia
Posted by John Mills on June 27, 2015
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2015/06/27/11-facts-everyone-should-know-about-dementia/
Mom! Where are your glasses?
I love this one!!!! I would never be able to think of a reply like this!!
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Posted by John Mills on March 17, 2015
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2015/03/17/mom-where-are-your-glasses/
Maxine Sums It All Up!
As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!
Oh, and by the way…
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
Posted by John Mills on January 26, 2015
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/maxine-sums-it-all-up/
POST OFFICE…PRICELESS
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Posted by John Mills on January 22, 2015
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/post-office-priceless/
WHY OLDER MEN DON’T GET HIRED
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Older Man: “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t really think honesty is a weakness.”
Older Man: “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”
Posted by John Mills on December 17, 2014
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2014/12/17/why-older-men-dont-get-hired/
How Long Should One Live?
Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your family
Posted by John Mills on December 14, 2014
https://funstuffpeoplesendme.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/how-long-should-one-live%e2%80%8f/
