SENIOR REFLECTIONS‏

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …

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Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese … FINE, it was a pizza … I ate a pizza …
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How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.
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I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web …
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I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …
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A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it …

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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it … When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel …
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Senility has been a smooth transition for me …
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Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
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I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this …
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A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him …
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
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I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day …
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“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

Earliest born individual captured on film.

SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR

SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR01 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR03 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR02 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR12 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR11 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR10 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR09 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR08 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR07 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR06 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR05 SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR04SMILES TO START YOUR NEW YEAR13

11 Facts Everyone Should Know About Dementia

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alzheimerssociety/facts-you-didnt-know-about-dementia

Mom! Where are your glasses?

I love this one!!!!  I would never be able to think of a reply like this!!

Mom  Where are your glasses
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my  “doing-something-useful”  seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was  “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied,  “Are you nuts?  You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Maxine Sums It All Up!

MaxineSumsItAllUp

As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door 
without  using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon  peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread 
because I  can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
 I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s  handbag 
for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public  toilet.

I must send my special thanks 
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot  day.

Thanks to you 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet  stains.

I no longer buy 
fuel without taking someone  along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use  Cling Wrap 
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know 
I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to  the cinema 
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping  centers 
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a  huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice 
I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was  probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening 
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas  from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a  friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second  husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy  study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my  toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that  water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the  toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

 

POST OFFICE…PRICELESS

 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was  about.

 The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 83 year  old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.  

WHY OLDER MEN DON’T GET HIRED

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager:  “What is your greatest weakness?”

Older Man:  “Honesty.”

Human Resources Manager:  “I don’t really think honesty is a weakness.”

Older Man:  “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”

How Long Should One Live?‏

Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your family

 

How Long Should One Live001 How Long Should One Live002 How Long Should One Live003 How Long Should One Live004 How Long Should One Live005 How Long Should One Live007 How Long Should One Live008 How Long Should One Live009 How Long Should One Live010 How Long Should One Live011 How Long Should One Live012

Robert’s Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny,
a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have  separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of  his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Robert, Again he is   ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more
coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 – year – old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.

PS..
Have I sent this to you already?