Queen’s Riddle

Stephen Harper met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Harper frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Harper went back home to ask Jim Flaherty the same question. “Jim, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Flaherty. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Flaherty ran in to Tim Hudak out eating one night. Jim asked, “Tim, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Tim answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Flaherty smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Harper. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tim Hudak!”
Harper got up, stomped over to Flaherty, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
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Love This Doctor

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  Oh no.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q  :  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:  Oh no!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  You crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND….

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.  It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Canada Day Explained

I was eating lunch on the 30 of June with a friend and her 6-year-old
granddaughter.
She was pretty animated as she talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

She said ” Canada Day”.

She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does Canada Day mean?”

Waiting for her reply with something about the flag, confederation
etc. She replied,
“Canada Day is when Prime Minister Harper steps out of the Parliament Building,
and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of high unemployment.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Ethical Dilemma

No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: “Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don’t find it in time, I’ll concede the match.”
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: “I found it!”. The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping
no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastards ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

They Walk Among Us!

This  one is ... (No comments  needed!)

They  Walk Among Us!
—————————-

Some  guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get  rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard  and hung a
sign on it saying: ‘Free to good  home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days  the fridge sat there without anyone looking  twice.
He eventually decided that people were  too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the  sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The  next day someone stole it!

They walk  amongst  us!
————————————- 

*One  day I was walking down the beach with
Some  friends when someone shouted…..
‘Look at that  dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and  said…’where?’

They walk among  us! 

———————————————————-

While  looking at a house, my brother asked the
real estate  agent which direction was north because
he didn’t want the sun waking him up every  morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the  north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises  in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her  head and said,
‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all  that stuff……’

They Walk Among  Us!
——————————————– 

My  colleague and I were eating our lunch in our  cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl  talking about the
sunburn she got on her  weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a  convertible, but said
she ‘didn’t think she’d  get sunburned
because the car was  moving’.

They Walk Among  Us!
———————————— 

My  sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which  is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she  gets trapped. She keeps it in the car  trunk.

They Walk Among  Us! 
————————————————-

I  couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage  area and went to the lost luggage office and  reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and  told me not to worry
because she was a trained  professional and
said I was in good hands.  ‘Now,’ she asked me,
‘Has your plane arrived  yet?’…
(I work with professionals like  this.)

They Walk Among  Us!
————————————————

While  working at a pizza parlor I observed a  man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared  to be alone and the cook 

asked him if he would  like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought  about it for some time
then said ‘Just cut it  into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry
enough  to eat 6 pieces.’

They Walk Among  Us! 
And  last, but not least: 

Dumb  as a box of Rocks
TRUE  STORY:

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an  academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to  appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to  schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a  question with which he was most at  ease.

‘Would you mind telling me,  Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental  deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied.  ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..’

‘What sort  of question?’ asked Pelosi.

Well, you  might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which  one?”

Pelosi thought a moment, and then  said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen  to have another example would you? I must  confess I don’t know much about  history.’


Sadly,   they walk among us!


Traffic Camera
                                                         
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding… Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace… Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..                                                              

You can’t fix stupid.

Why Women Are Different From Men

Why Women Are Different From Men

Proof That The World Is Nuts!

(Ed: I have not verified any of these claims. Comments are as received – they’re not mine.)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different in reverse?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than “going blind!”)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

No golf clubs….I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.

(Is this a great country or what?)

(Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!

Why Women Should Not Take Men Shopping

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Complained to the service desk that he waited in the men’s room for an hour and no one came in to wash his hands. The sign says employees

must wash hands.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Regards,

Wal-Mart

(Ed: #8 & #9 not included in email received)