My New Truck

I bought a new Ford F 150 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure, it runs on hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. But I had to return to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. Then the technician said ‘Nelson’, said to the radio andThe radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’  ‘Willie!’ he continued and  ‘On The Road Again’ came from the speakers.

Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven’,I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles’, I’d get one of their awesome songs.

 Yesterday,some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

 I yelled,’Ass Hole!’ and Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States”

 Damn I love this truck.

Democracy is not easy

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/british-suffragette-was-the-1st-to-go-to-jail-now-a-letter-to-her-sister-has-been-found-in-b-c-1.4836244

—Astute (but true) observations …..

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

A First Time for Everything

If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

( If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk! )

If The World Were 100 People

Two Story Outhouse

I can’t even think of anything to add to this.
Two Story Outhouse
Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.
Two-Story Outhouse‏
Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.

 

The Spin Queen

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in1889.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.” 

Judy Wallman e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary’s staff responded with the following biographical sketch as they saw it:

“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the MontanaTerritory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 , he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.” 

And THAT is how it’s done folks!  GET READY

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

 


 

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

 


 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

 


 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 


 

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

 


 

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 


 

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

 


 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

 


 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

 

 

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

 


 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 


 

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 


 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 


 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 


 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 


 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 


 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 


 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 


 

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 


 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 


 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 


 

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
… AMEN

 

New English Language Word for 2014‏

 Every once in a while somebody gets it right.

This is not yet found in the Oxford dictionary, so it was “Googled” and discovered to be a recently “coined” new word found on
T-shirts on eBay:

Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are within this definition !!!!!!!

I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word.

Finally,  a word to describe our Future !!!!!!!
New English Language Word for 2014‏