A First Time for Everything

If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

( If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk! )

If The World Were 100 People

Two Story Outhouse

I can’t even think of anything to add to this.
Two Story Outhouse
Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.
Two-Story Outhouse‏
Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.

 

The Spin Queen

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in1889.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.” 

Judy Wallman e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary’s staff responded with the following biographical sketch as they saw it:

“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the MontanaTerritory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 , he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.” 

And THAT is how it’s done folks!  GET READY

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

 


 

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

 


 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

 


 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 


 

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

 


 

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 


 

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

 


 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

 


 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

 

 

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

 


 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 


 

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 


 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 


 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 


 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 


 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 


 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 


 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 


 

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 


 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 


 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 


 

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
… AMEN

 

New English Language Word for 2014‏

 Every once in a while somebody gets it right.

This is not yet found in the Oxford dictionary, so it was “Googled” and discovered to be a recently “coined” new word found on
T-shirts on eBay:

Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are within this definition !!!!!!!

I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word.

Finally,  a word to describe our Future !!!!!!!
New English Language Word for 2014‏

Wonderful Definitions‏

Wonderfully described definitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other! 

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters 

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either 

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present 

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece 

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power! 

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on 

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before 

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read 

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight! 

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth 

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes 

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip 

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!” 

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature 

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early 

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later 

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

 

Old Butch

GREAT STORY…
 
 
 
 
 
 
Old Butch
 

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No-Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next election – the bells are not always audible!

1907 Photo‏

This one needs to circulate 
I think this is one email that needs to be forwarded until every
 Canadian with a computer receives it. 
The year is 1907, one hundred and 3+ years ago.
 
READ PRINT UNDER PICTURE! 
1907 Photo
  Wilfrid Laurier ideas on Immigrants and being a Canadian in 1907.

‘In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith

becomes a Canadian and assimilates himself to us,
he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else,
for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed,
or birthplace, or origin.
But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet a Canadian, and nothing but a Canadian…
There can be no divided allegiance here.
Any man who says he is a Canadian, but something else also, isn’t a Canadian at all.
We have room for but one flag, the Canadian flag…
And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the Canadian people.’
Wilfrid Laurier 1907Every Canadian citizen needs to read this! KEEP THIS MOVING