—Astute (but true) observations …..

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

More than just a picture

Auto Selfie

Football explained by a blonde!‏

Football  FINALLY makes sense……….
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first  football game. They had great seats right behind their  team’sbench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.’Oh, I  really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tightpants and all the big muscles, But I just couldn’t understand why they  were killing  each other
over 25 cents.’

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you  mean?’

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the  rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents.


John Oliver’s Rant About FIFA



Championship Rings‏

Championship Rings 
Take a look at these ‘World championship Rings’. They are so diamond-encrusted.

    I guess I should have practiced harder when I was in Little League.

    Here are a few examples of championship rings from baseball, football, and hockey!

Philadelphia Phillies
Championship Rings‏001

Pittsburgh Steelers
Championship Rings‏002

Pittsburgh Penguins
Championship Rings‏003

Chicago White Sox
Championship Rings‏004

Toronto Maple Leafs
Championship Rings‏005

                                             Ketchup not included!



There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know a lot!
I found out in a hurry that I didn’t. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘ dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

Answers To Quiz:

1 The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2 North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3 Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4 The fruit with its seeds on the outside:Strawberry.

5 How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6 Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle…

7 Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8 The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9 Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘S’:Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART; Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to
 send this e-mail to at least one genius challenged person.Okay, my job’s done!

Don’t send it back to me. I’ve already failed it once

Funny Quotes from Phyllis Diller

  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  • The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
  • I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Historical pix

Remarkable doesn’t begin to cover it.
These are real treasures, aren’t they?
Historical pix‏001
Miss America 1924
Historical pix‏002
Helen Keller Meeting Charlie Chaplin
Historical pix‏003
Leather gloves worn by Lincoln to Ford’s Theater on the night of his assassination.
Blood stains are visible at the cuffs.
Historical pix‏004
Phoebe Mozee (aka: Annie Oakley).
Famed for her marksmanship by 12 years old,
she once shot the ashes off of Kaiser Wihelm II’s cigarette at his invitation.
When she outshot famed exhibition marksman Frank Butler,
he fell in love with her and they married.
They remained married the rest of their lives.
Historical pix‏005
Very Young Lucy Lucille Ball around 1930
Historical pix‏006
This is one of five known X-rays of Hitler’s head,
part of his medical records compiled by American military intelligence after the German’s surrendered and declassified in 1958.
The records also include doctor’s reports,
diagrams of his teeth and nose and electrocardiograms.
He had bad teeth, lots of fillings and crowns.
Historical pix‏007
Two Victorian sideshow performers boxing – the fat man and the thin man.
Historical pix‏008
Amy Johnson, English aviator 1903-1941.
One of the first women to gain a pilot’s licence,
Johnson won fame when she flew solo from Britain to Australia in 1930.
Her dangerous flight took 17 days.
Later she flew solo to India and Japan,
and became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic East to West.
She volunteered to fly for The Women’s Auxiliary Air Force in WW2,
but her plane was shot down over the River Thames and she was killed.
Historical pix‏009
Prison Garb 1924.
Belva Annan murderess whose trial records became the musical “Chicago.”
Historical pix‏010
Female photojournalist Jessie Tarbox on the street with her camera, 1900s.
Historical pix‏011
Roald Amundsen was the first person to reach the South Pole.
At approximately 3pm on December 14, 1911
Amundsen raised the flag of Norway at the South Pole
and named the spot Polheim ­ ‘Pole Home.’
Historical pix‏012
The extraordinary life of Maud Allen:
Seductive US dancing girl who was sued for being too lewd,
outed as a lesbian,
and fled London after being branded a German spy
who was sleeping with the prime minister’s wife.
Historical pix‏013
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Historical pix‏014
Caroline Otero, courtesan.
The most sought after woman in all of Europe.
She associated herself with the likes of Prince Albert I of Monaco,
King Edward VII of the United Kingdom,
Kings of Serbia, and Kings of Spain
as well as Russian Grand Dukes Peter and Nicholas,
the Duke of Westminster and writer Gabriele D’Annunzio.
Six men reportedly committed suicide after their love affairs with Otero ended.
Two men fought a duel over her.
She was famed for her voluptuous breasts.
Historical pix‏014a
Wedding day photograph of Abraham and Mary
taken November 4, 1842 in Springfield, Illinois.
After three years of a stormy courtship
and a broken engagement. Their love had endured.
Historical pix‏015
Billie Holiday at two years old, in 1917
Historical pix‏016
Washington, D.C., circa 1919. “Walter Reed Hospital flu ward.”
One of the very few images in Washington-area photo archives
documenting the influenza contagion of 1918-1919,
which killed over 500,000 Americans and tens of millions around the globe.
Most victims succumbed to bacterial pneumonia following influenza virus infection.
Historical pix‏017
Filming the MGM Logo
Historical pix‏018
Amelia Earhart
Historical pix‏019
Mae Questel ca. 1930’s.
The voice of Betty Boop and Olive Oyl,Minnie Mouse,
Felix the Cat (for three shorts by the Van Beuren Studios),
Little Lulu, Little Audrey and Casper, the Friendly Ghost
Historical pix‏020
Bea Arthur (nee Bernice Frankel) (1922-2009) SSgt. USMC 1943-45 WW II.
Enlisted and assigned as typist at Marine HQ in Wash DC,
Then air stations in VA and NC.
Best remembered for her title role in the TV series “Maude”
and as Dorothy in “Golden Girls”.
Historical pix‏021
In 1911, Bobby Leach survived a plunge over Niagara Falls in a steel barrel.
Fourteen years later, in New Zealand, he slipped on an orange peel and died.
Historical pix‏022
Emily Todd was Mary Todd Lincoln’s half-sister.
In 1856 she married Benjamin Helm, a Confederate general.
After Helm’s death in 1863
Emily Helm passed through Union Lines to visit her sister in the White House.
This caused great consternation in the Northern newspapers.
Emily Helm took an oath of loyalty to the Union and was granted amnesty
Historical pix‏023
Three days before his 19th birthday,
George H.W. Bush became the youngest aviator in the US Navy.
Historical pix‏024
Market Street, San Francisco after the earthquake, 1906.
Historical pix‏025
All-American Girls Baseball, 1940s
Historical pix‏026
c. 1943 : Breast Protectors for War Workers
Historical pix‏027
Mary Ellen Wilson (1864-1956) or sometimes Mary Ellen McCormack
was an American whose case of child abuse led to the creation of
the New York Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.
As an eight-year old, she was severely abused by her foster parents,
Francis and Mary Connolly.
Historical pix‏028
Stolen, held captive, sold, eventually reunited the Shoshone Indians.
She was an interpreter and guide for Lewis and Clark
in 1805-1806 with her husband Toussaint Charbonneau.
She navigated carrying her son, Jean Baptiste, on her back.
She traveled thousands of miles from the Dakotas the Pacific Ocean.
The explorers, said she was cheerful, never complained,
and proved to be invaluable.
She served as an advisor, caretaker,
and is legendary for her perseverance and resourcefulness.
Historical pix‏029
Zelda Boden, circus performer, ca. 1910.
Historical pix‏030
A Confederate and Union soldier shake hands during a celebration at Gettysburg in 1913.
Image from the Library of Congress.
July 1-3, 2013 marks the 150th Anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg.
Historical pix‏031
Geraldine Doyle, who was the inspiration behind the famous Rosie the Riveter poster.
Historical pix‏032
Vintage Baked Potato Cart. A legitimate fast food lunch option back in the day.
Historical pix‏033
Black physicians treating in the ER a member of the Ku Kux Klan
Historical pix‏034
Cyclists ride in the first running of the Tour de France, in 1903.
Historical pix‏034a
Sergeant Stubby (1916 or 1917 – April 4, 1926),
was the most decorated war dog of World War I
and the only dog to be promoted to sergeant through combat.
America’s first war dog, Stubby, served 18 months ‘over there’
and participated in seventeen battles on the Western Front.
He saved his regiment from surprise mustard gas attacks,
found and comforted the wounded, and even once caught a German spy
by the seat of his pants (holding him there til American Soldiers found him).
Historical pix‏035
Nightwitches –
Female Russian bombers who bombed Germany during WW2.
They had old, noisy planes
& the engines used to conk out halfway through their missions,
so they had to climb out on the wings mid-flight to restart the props.
To stop Germans from hearing them & starting up the anti aircraft guns,
they’d climb to a certain height, coast down to German positions,
drop their bombs, restart their engines in midair
& get the hell out of dodge.
Their leader flew 200+ missions & was never captured.
Historical pix‏036
Marilyn Monroe meets Queen Elizabeth II, London, 1956 Both women are 30 years old.
Historical pix‏037
Chief Petty Officer Graham Jackson plays “Going Home”
as FDR’s body is borne past in Warm Springs, GA,
where the President was scheduled to attend a barbecue on the day he died. April, 1945.

Punny you should mention that

 I  tried to catch some fog. I mist.


 When  chemists die, they barium.


 Jokes  about German sausage are the wurst.


 I  know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any  time.


 How  does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


 I  stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


 This  girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met  herbivore.


 I’m  reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


 I did  a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .


 They  told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.


 A  dyslexic man walks into a bra .


 PMS  jokes aren’t funny, period.


 Why  were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


 Class  trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.


 The  Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.


 The  old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.


 Did  you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t  control her pupils?


 When  you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


 I  wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


 What  do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


 England  has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


 I  used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


 All  the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing  to go on.


 I got  a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


 Velcro  – what a rip off!


 Cartoonist  found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


 I  used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.