Happy Fall, Y’ALL!!!‏

Happy Fall, Y'ALL!!!

 

You’ve just been mooned. Pass it on.

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Why Pets Hate Halloween…….

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Happy Fall, Happy Halloween! Too cute!‏

No butts about it, Happy Fall!  Happy Halloween!

Happy Fall!  Happy Halloween!

Scottish Joke

An octopus walks into a bar and says “I can play ANY musical instrument going.”
An Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.
Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.
The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says “What’s wrong can ye no play it?”
The Octopus replies “Play it? – I’m gonna screw her brains out once I get her pajamas off!!!

Love Story

A story in pictures you won’t forget easily….

FOCUS ON THE MAN IN THE FIRST PICTURE. . .

IT’S HIM THROUGHOUT THE SERIES BELOW. . .

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If he is a hero………..She is an angel.

PLEASE DO NOT HOLD ON TO THIS OR PRESS DELETE.
SOMEONE HAS TO HOLD OUR COUNTRY IN THEIR HANDS.

(Ed. I googled “Taylor Morris” for more info and found this.)

Plane Ride

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spenton the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

THE ‘Y’ CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called – The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called – Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called –Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group –Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below…
>
> The Y Chromosone
Just thought you might want to know “Y”

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
 
beeeeeppp ….
 
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.
 
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
 
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
 
If you want us to wash your clothes, press 4
 
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
 
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
 
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
 
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
 
If you need money, press 9
 
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!”
 
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them They are old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve
acted bad.
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON’T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame the dog.
Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, “MALE & FEMALE” procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’ 
*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it…. A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.

(Ed. In my defence I received this from a member of the fairer sex)

I’m Not Crazy

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