Perturbed British

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when the tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any in-between levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. 

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

PARAPROSDOKIANS…

Enjoy
PARAPROSDOKIANS…
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
And mine is………
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Your Duck is Dead!!

A good story!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed,
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied
the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she
protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said,

this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she
cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

You know the drill … if you’re smiling, you
must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the
laughter….

Fun Stuff

Been around before but still fun.

Pretty Cool

Don’t ask me! I don’t know how it’s done!!

———————————————————————————————————

Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, ‘A bird in the bush,’! and…
If this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.

———————————————————————————————————

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical,

the blue landscape reads the word illusion.

Look again!

Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

———————————————————————————————————

What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!

The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.

———————————————————————————————————

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but…
when you look through ME you will see YOU !

Do you need to look again?

———————————————————————————————————

Test Your Brain

This is really cool.

The second one is amazing so please read all the way through.

ALZHEIMER’S’ EYE TEST

Count every ‘ F ‘ in the following text

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 — no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go back and try to find the 6 F’s before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process ‘OF’.

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 ‘F’s’ on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.

It will drive them crazy…

and keep them occupied for several minutes!

———————————————————————————————————

Look at the spinning woman and if she is turning right your right side of your brain is

working. If she is turning left your left side of your brain is working.

If she turns both ways for you then you have a 160 or better IQ.

———————————————————————————————————

More Brain Stuff … from Cambridge University

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on!!

Irish Family Planning

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

 
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye!  Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’


She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’


The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’


She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’


The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’


She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.  The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’  She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’  The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’


She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!’


The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!  How is yer loving hoosband doing?’


She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out the fookin’ candle.’

Friends of Irony

This is so funny cuz it’s for real!

Think You’ve Seen Everything?

DO YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY– – – THINK YOU’VE SEEN
EVERYTHING?
 
BE STILL BECAUSE . . .

THAT’S RIGHT… BREAST IMPLANTS FOR YOUR TATTOO!!


OK – NOW you’ve seen
everything!

Password of a Blonde