A Police STOP at 1AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

Sixty’s Hits Are Being Revised

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo as if it were yesterday. Seems as though I know them all! 
They
include:Bobby Darin —
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash


Herman’s Hermits —

Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker


Ringo Starr—

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends


The Bee Gees —
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?


Roberta Flack—
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
?
?
Johnny Cash —
I Can’t See Clearly Now.
?

Pau Simon —
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver


The Commodores —
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harum —

A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer —
 You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations —
 Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone

ABBA — Denture Queen 

“You haven’t seen my teeth have you Wilma?
Tony Orlando —
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy —
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore—
It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least…
Willie Nelson —
On the Commode Again

Yesterday at the doctor

 When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday,
I told him about my day:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge
of a deep lake, barely escaped from a mountain lion in
the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up
and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand, and barely escaped jumping
away from an aggressive rattlesnake”
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “You must be an
awesome outdoorsman!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

to fish or not to fish

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?'”
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”
So, Here I am.

SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A LITTLE SILVER-HAIRED LADY CALLS HER NEIGHBOR AND SAYS, “PLEASE COME OVER HERE AND HELP ME. I HAVE A KILLER JIGSAW PUZZLE, AND I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET STARTED.”
Her neighbor
asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the
box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”  He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea,
and then,  he said with a deep sigh
………….
“LET’S PUT ALL THE CORN FLAKES BACK IN THE BOX.”

Ten Illusions in Five Minutes…must watch..

Ten Illusions in Five Minutes.
I have never watched anything like this before.

You will not be disappointed, and you may watch it more than once.

Truly amazing illusionist.

Submarine Racing

Pretty neat, if you like submarines !!!!

The 2011 World Submarine Racing Championships.
Held in Newfoundland , Canada

Well, what the heck did you expect to see!!??
I hope the rest of your day goes better.
P.S. – I looked at all the photos too.

(Editor`s commentary

This is a gross misrepresentation of a classic and noble sport.

The facts are these:

Submarine racing is organised into two distinct disciplines: Periscope and Conning Tower – each with their own league. (Crossovers are permitted).

Competitors in both leagues race round a fixed course from marker to marker much like any other surface vessel competition.
In the Conning Tower Leagues the vessels, as the name suggests, race at Conning Tower Depth and are adorned with identifiers and sponsorship decals as you would expect.
In The Periscope Leagues the vessels race at periscope depth.
Clearly the opportunity to display sponsors decals and logos etc is limited on a periscope so a blimp is tethered to the vessel’s periscope to provide real estate for sponsorship messaging.
There are no rules on the size or number of blimps per vessel. For this reason there are more ‘periscope’ than ‘conning tower’ events.
And also more accidents – too many blimps will raise a vessel out of the water causing loss of control.
Though there have, over the years, been a number of unsuccessful attempts to recognize and exploit this phenomenon by creating a third class of submarine racing to compete with air racing.
But they have all failed for various reasons not least of which being the lack of an aviation authority anywhere in the world willing to grant certificates of airworthiness to the so called sub-blimps.
Though this hasn’t stopped the die-hard sub-bliminers from organizing their own illicit events – usually under the cover of darkness.)

Best Tattoo (?)

This man thought he had the best tattoo in the world, until he got into prison


Ouuuuuuuuchhh…!!!!

 

 

 

Este hombre pensó que tenía el mejor tatuaje del mundo…

 

 

hasta que entró en prisión…

Moraleja:
¡¡¡Ten siempre presente el futuro!!!

La realidad es una alucinación causada por la falta de alcohol !!!

Drafting Guys Over 60


This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier…
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile...
An 18-year-old doesn’t even liketo get up before 10:00 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. 
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.  Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.  “Yes, Nurse Tracy” ,said Mr. Wallace.
“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing that her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes just a bit crazy, she replied “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.
Please put it back inside your pajamas.”
“But Nurse Tracy, I can’t.”  Replied Mr. Wallace. ” I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. ” Yes you did”, said Nurse Tracy, “but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well”, he replied, “today is viewing day.”