RODNEY DANGERFIELD’S BEST ONE-LINERS:

A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, there’s
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy…. I’d have
nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ….. I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy …. Hey buddy …. why are you doing that?
He said ….Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster
and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me
as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.

When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father …. I’m very sorry. We did everything we
could…… But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him …. do you think we’ll ever find
them? He said .. I don’t know kid …. there are so many place they
can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?
He said… I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.

I went to the doctor
because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.

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