Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving_001

Happy Thanksgiving_002

Happy Thanksgiving_003

Happy Thanksgiving_004

Happy Thanksgiving_005

Happy Thanksgiving_006

May  your stuffing be tasty,
May  your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!  
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving is here – this is how the turkey feels!

A Good Joke to Bring you A Laugh‏

NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

When you stop laughing, send this to a friend!!!

Elder Banking… PRICELESS!!

Shown  below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year  old  woman.

The bank  manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in  the New York Times.

————————————————————————–

Dear  Sir:

I am writing  to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my  plumber last  month.

By my  calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting  the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of  course, to the automatic monthly  deposit of my entire pension, an  arrangement which, I admit,  has been in place for only eight  years.

You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for  debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to  your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally  answer your telephone calls and    letters, — when I try to contact you, I  am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless  entity  which your bank has become.

From now on,  I, like you,  choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person.

My  mortgage  and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,  but will arrive at your bank, by check,  addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that  it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open  such an  envelope.

Please find  attached an  Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.

I am sorry it  runs to eight pages, but in  order that I know as much about him or her as  your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note  that all copies of his or her medical history must be  countersigned by a  Notary Public, and the mandatory details  of his/her financial situation  (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due  course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that  it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the  number  of button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service.

As they say,  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level  the playing field even further.

When you call  me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY  AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH

#1. To make  an appointment to see  me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To  transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.

#4 To  transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am  sleeping.

#5. To  transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to  nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave  a message on my computer, a  password to access my computer is  required.

Password will  be communicated to you at a later date to that  Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

#8. To  return  to the main menu and to listen to options 1  through  10

#9. To make a  general complaint or  inquiry.

The contact  will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering  service.

#10. This is  a second reminder to press* for English.

While this  may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to  cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish  you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New  Year?

 

Your Humble  Client

 

 

And remember: Don’t make old  people mad. We don’t like  being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us  off.

THESE ARE A HOOT!……‏

ME thinks we have some of these before, but they are still laughable!!!  Hope you don’t take them to heart.

I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.  I wasn’t sure where that was, but was told I wouldn’t have much trouble finding it.  Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was…
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

THESE ARE A HOOT_001THESE ARE A HOOT_002 THESE ARE A HOOT_003 THESE ARE A HOOT_004

GIGGLES N GRINS’

 THESE ARE A HOOT_005
 THESE ARE A HOOT_006
 THESE ARE A HOOT_007
THESE ARE A HOOT_008



THE JOYS OF AGING

THESE ARE A HOOT_009

THESE ARE A HOOT_017
THESE ARE A HOOT_010
 THESE ARE A HOOT_011
 THESE ARE A HOOT_012



Okay..here it is.
A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?

THESE ARE A HOOT_013


Scroll down….
Amazing, I did not see it before..

THESE ARE A HOOT_014



The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

That’s OK, I did not Pass the test EITHER!

THESE ARE A HOOT_015
THESE ARE A HOOT_016


I KNOW YOU MISSED THE BLONDE ONE!

Am I a Fireman yet?

According to Snopes http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fireman.asp this is a true story except for some name and place changes.  (Ed – … and, it seems, the egregious addition of bogus religious references and photos.)

……………………………………………………………………………..

I was told  this is a true story, It touched my heart and I would like to share. It is nice to know that there are good people doing good things!

THIS IS A TRUE  STORY AS A FEW MILLION  PEOPLE WATCHED IT ON GLOBAL NEWSIf you “tear  up” go ahead, who’s watching?
 AmIAFiremanYet1
 AmIAFiremanYet2
In Calgary, Alberta a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son’s dream to come true.She took her son’ s hand and asked, ‘Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?’Mommy, ‘I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up..’

Mom smiled back and said,  ‘Let’s see if we can make your wish come true.’

Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Calgary, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta

She  explained her son’s final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.

 Fireman Bob said, ‘Look, we can do better than that. If you’ll have your son ready at seven o’clock Wednesday morning, we’ll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day..
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!And if you’ll give us his sizes, we’ll get a real fire uniform for
him, with a real fire hat – not a toy – one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.”They’re all manufactured right here in Calgary , so we can get them fast.’
 Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.
 There were three fire calls in Calgary that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls.He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic’s’ van, and even the fire chief’s car..
He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept – that no one should die alone, began to call  the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.The chief replied, ‘We can do better than that. We’ll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?’
‘It’s the department coming to see one of its finest members one more  time. And will you open the window to his room?’
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy’s third floor open window——– 16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy’s room.
With his mother’s permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him. With His dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,’Chief, am I really a fireman now?”Billy, you are, and The Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,’ the chief said with those words, Billy smiled and said, ‘I know, He’s been holding my hand all day, and the
angels have been singing..’
He closed his eyes one last time.My instructions were to send this to at least four people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.
Please pass this to at least four people you want to be blessed.
This story is powerful and there is nothing attached.PLEASE do not break this pattern. Uplifting  stories are one of the best gifts we receive.
There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let’s continue to uplift one another!

AmIAFiremanYet3

This is a true story.

…………………………………………………………………….

(Ed – almost true.  Go here for the actual story Fireman Bob himself.)

Funny Quotes from Phyllis Diller

  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  • The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
  • I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Good Stuff‏

A bit of everything.

Good Stuff‏_006

Good Stuff‏_007

Been there…

Good Stuff‏_008

Been there, too…

Good Stuff‏_009

No comment…

Good Stuff‏_010

Good Stuff‏_011

Good Stuff‏_012

Good Stuff‏_013
Now I have to go to the post office to get my mail.

Good Stuff‏_014

Good Stuff‏_015

Good Stuff‏_016

Ex-wife included… ?

Good Stuff‏_017

Good Stuff‏_018

Good Stuff‏_001

That is a good idea!

Good Stuff‏_002

Good Stuff‏_003

Good Stuff‏_004

Good Stuff‏_005

 

 

 

Ex-wife included… ?

Sensitivity Training for Men

  •     I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning
  •     The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.  She’s 25, and her name’s Kathy.
  •     Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
  •     My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s three schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
  •     The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
  •     A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” The man says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
  •     I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.   I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
  •     My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
  •     The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
  •     The  Condom

In 1272, the  Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Armed and dangerous

Don’t ever call an NRA member a pussy.

Armed and Dangerous