(I usually only post unsolicited stuff, but after tracking down sources of some of the images previously sent to me via email I now subscribe to Twisted Sifter. Here’s the link to their 100 ‘Pictures Of The Day’ for 2012. Some of the images I already posted from other sources, but you can’t get too much of a good thing.)
All posts for the month December, 2012
Posted by John Mills on December 18, 2012
Back at RCMP Headquarters in Kelowna the RCMP Superintendant fired off a complaint to the Base Commander of the CF-18’s in Cold Lake Alberta for shutting (actually frying it) down the Highway Patrol’s Radar.
The reply came back in true Royal Canadian Air Force style:
“Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment’s location.”
“Fortunately, the Air Force pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, and quickly responded to the
Posted by John Mills on December 17, 2012
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend accept this. Now I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
“Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.
Posted by John Mills on December 16, 2012
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure………….. cross my heart”
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
“Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed.”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
Posted by John Mills on December 15, 2012
Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower: Jim, John & Joe.
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, ‘Well, shit, someone’s gotta go and tell Jim’s wife.’
Joe says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
John says, ‘Where’d you get the beer, Joe?’
‘Jim’s wife gave it to me,’ Joe replies.
‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’
‘Well, not exactly’, Joe says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Jim’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’
Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.’
Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Posted by John Mills on December 14, 2012
Be sure to read the poem at the end!
When the snow’s up to your butt
Posted by John Mills on December 13, 2012
Well, the Church removed my cookies from the bake sale….. again!
I don’t know what their problem is —
I just used a dog bone cookie cutter…
cut them in half and decorated them!!
I thought they looked rather cute!!
They have no sense of humor.
— Remember, If you haven’t got a smile on your face, And laughter in your heart, Then you are just a sour old fart!
Posted by John Mills on December 12, 2012
Posted by John Mills on December 11, 2012
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as
I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty
Apparently I’m still lost.
It’s a man thing.
Posted by John Mills on December 10, 2012