100 ‘Pictures Of The Day’ for 2012

(I usually only post unsolicited stuff, but after tracking down sources of some of the images previously sent to me via email I now subscribe to Twisted Sifter.  Here’s the link to their 100 ‘Pictures Of The Day’ for 2012.  Some of the images I already posted from other sources, but you can’t get too much of a good thing.)

http://twistedsifter.com/2012/12/top-100-pictures-of-the-day-2012/

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Digging up History

Examining the excavation for a new subway line, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back over 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their urban ancestors already had a telephone network, many years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Ontarians, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet.  Shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Morning Herald read: “BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network, much earlier than the Torontonians”.
One week later, the Halifax Chronicle Herald, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Dominion, Cape Breton, Billy ‘Pickle Arse’ McNeil, a self-taught archaeologist, found absolutely fuck all. Pickle Arse has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Cape Breton had already gone wireless.”
Makes ya bloody proud to be a Nova Scotian. Brings a tear to the eye!

SPEEDING TICKET

TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET IN KELOWNA B.C.
SPEEDING TICKET1

Two RCMP Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 97, just north of Kelowna.
One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the city.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
SPEEDING TICKET2
Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops on Highway 97 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to an
RCAF CF-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise in the area.

Back at RCMP Headquarters in Kelowna the RCMP Superintendant fired off a complaint to the Base Commander of the CF-18’s in Cold Lake Alberta for shutting (actually frying it) down the Highway Patrol’s Radar.

The reply came back in true Royal Canadian Air Force style:
“Thank you for your letter . . .
“You may be interested to know that the tactical computer on the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to,
your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.” 

“Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment’s location.” 

“Fortunately, the Air Force pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, and quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile
was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 97. The bottom line is “your guys were fucking lucky they didn’t get their doors blown off!
“The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.”
“Staff Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.”
If you need any more details, please don’t hesitate to call.
Per Ardua Ad Astra!

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend accept this. Now I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said that you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

Cell Phone

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure………….. cross my heart”

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,

“Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

Three Newfies

Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower: Jim, John & Joe.

As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, ‘Well, shit, someone’s gotta go and tell Jim’s wife.’

Joe says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

John says, ‘Where’d you get the beer, Joe?’

‘Jim’s wife gave it to me,’ Joe replies.

‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’

‘Well, not exactly’, Joe says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Jim’s widow.”

She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’

Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.’

Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.

True Canadians….it’s that time of year again‏

Some Canuks like to brag about our resilience to the extreme cold of winter..!.
This is what makes Canada great…..especially in winter.

Be sure to read the poem at the end!
True Canadians…. >
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True Canadians....it's that time of year again?07

It’s time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about

WINTER POEM

It’s winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow’s up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I’m frozen to the friggin’ ground!

Church ” No Thank You”…Bishop “I’ll take them!!”‏

Well, the Church removed my cookies from the bake sale….. again!

I don’t know what their problem is —

I just used a dog bone cookie cutter…

cut them in half and decorated them!!

I thought they looked rather cute!!

They have no sense of humor.

— Remember, If you haven’t got a smile on your face, And laughter in your heart, Then you are just a sour old fart!

Proudly Canadian

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as
I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years.”

Apparently I’m still lost.

It’s a man thing.