Flying Scotsman


Whether these were really written as complaints, or not, they are hilarious. Enjoy

 Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my 
knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he 
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I 
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and 
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just  plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole 
house and I just can’t take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is 

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water (brits refer to pee as 
water**), it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces..
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 
am his cock wakes me up.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is 
unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,

so please send someone round to do something about it.

  18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do 
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my 
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still 
have no satisfaction.
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t 
get BBC 2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has 
fungus growing in it.

(** In some circumstances Brits refer to pee as water e.g. bodily plumbing referred to as waterworks.   On a descending scale of gentility urine might be referred to as water, pee or piss.  -Ed.(ex-pat Brit))

Aging Queen

British Isles Tour By Accent

You are sitting on my phone

Who else but the British could get away with this?……….
Click here———-> You are sitting on my phone

What the British REALLY mean when they say…..‏

I hear what you say
I disagree and do not want to discuss it further
He accepts my point of view
With the greatest respect
You are an idiot
He is listening to me
That’s not bad
That’s good
That’s poor
That is a very brave proposal
You are insane
He thinks I have courage
Quite good
A bit disappointing
Quite good
I would suggest
Do it or be prepared to justify yourself
Think about the idea, but do what you like
Oh, incidentally/ by the way
The primary purpose of our discussion is
That is not very important
I was a bit disappointed that
I am annoyed that
It doesn’t really matter
Very interesting
That is clearly nonsense
They are impressed
I’ll bear it in mind
I’ve forgotten it already
They will probably do it
I’m sure it’s my fault
It’s your fault
Why do they think it was their fault?
You must come for dinner
It’s not an invitation, I’m just being polite
I will get an invitation soon
I almost agree
I don’t agree at all
He’s not far from agreement
I only have a few minor comments
Please rewrite completely
He has found a few typos
Could we consider some other options
I don’t like your idea
They have not yet decided

The table, which has been posted on an number of blogs, has attracted thousands of comments from both Britons and foreigners claiming the interpretations are true to life. Duncan Green, a strategic adviser for Oxfam who posted it online, described it as “a handy guide for our fellow Europeans and others trying to fathom weasely Brit-speak”. Mr Green said: “Sadly, I didn’t write it. It’s just one of those great things that is being passed around on the internet.” Although the author of the table is unconfirmed, it is thought it may have originally been drawn up by a Dutch company as an attempt to help employees working in the UK.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie

Amazing photos.
One last look back at those amazing Jubilee celebrations . . . as seen by the ‘Tail-end Charlie’ in Britain’s last airworthy Lancaster

Incredible footage has been released showing the bird’s eye view enjoyed by crew aboard a Lancaster bomber flying over London for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

The aeroplane, which is part of the RAF’s Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF), flew in formation with aircraft including a Spitfire, Hurricane and Dakota transport aircraft down The Mall, followed by the Red Arrows aerobatic team – to the delight of crowds and the Royal Family at Buckingham Palace below.

As well as preserving a fleet of priceless aircraft and keeping them in tip-top flying condition, the BBMF reminds the nation of the sacrifices made during World War Two.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_001

Spectacular: The tail gunner’s view from the Lancaster bomber, as it completed the Diamond Jubilee flypast. Buckingham Palace Gardens can be seen behind the tail of a Hurricane fighter, also of the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight, which flew in formation with the Lancaster

Final approach: The RAF Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Lancaster lines up alongside the Thames with Charing Cross Station ahead of it in the final moments before it flies over the Mall

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_002

View from above: Hundreds of thousands of people crowd The Mall below the Lancaster bomber

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_003

Target in sight! The nose of the Lancaster passes over the Mall and towards Buckingham Palace during the climax of its flypast

Based at RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire, many of its personnel, including pilots, are volunteers and the flight costs about £3m a year to run.

Squadron Leader Ian Smith, who is in charge of the BBMF, is the only permanent member, with all of the remaining pilots, navigators, air engineers and other crew coming from different airbases and ordinarily flying several different types of aircraft; from Typhoon fighters to the huge Hercules transport plane.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_004

Cramped: The footage shows just how tight a fit it can be aboard a vintage aircraft

Tight squeeze: Crew aboard the Lancaster bomber

The aircrew give up three out of every four weekends from May to the end of September in order to fly and display the historic aircraft.

The footage, released by the Ministry of Defence, shows just how tight a fit it can be aboard a vintage aircraft, with the crew – clearly eager to catch a glimpse of the Queen – taking up most of the available space.

The historic flight includes the Lancaster, which first saw service in 1942. The ‘Lanc’ was the most famous of the Second World War bombers and gained renown for its starring role in the momentous ‘Dambuster’ raid on Germany’s Ruhr Valley in 1943.

Carrying a payload of 22,000lb and with a 1,500-mile range, the RAF bomber wreaked havoc on Germany. Some 3,500 were lost in a_ction during the war.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_005

The view of Buckingham Palace and The Mall beyond from the Lancaster bomber

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_006

In formation: Incredible footage has been released showing the view enjoyed by crew aboard a Lancaster bomber flying over London for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations

Hurricane single-seater fighters played a crucial role in the Battle of Britain. Heavier and slower than the Spitfire, it was considered the RAF’s ‘workhorse’ against the Luftwaffe.

A remarkable total of 14,533 Hurricanes were built and served operationally on every day and in every theatre during the war. Only 12 are still airworthy worldwide.

The Spitfire is the iconic fighter that won legendary status against the Luftwaffe in the Battle of Britain. It possessed atop speed of 378mph, an altitude of 35,000ft and armed with two 20mm cannons, four Browning machine guns and two 250lb bombs.

One of the four that flew yesterday was P7350 – the oldest airworthy Spitfire in the world and the only one which actually fought in the Battle of Britain. It was shot up by a Messerschmitt 109 during combat in October 1940 but its wounded Polish pilot Ludwik Martel managed to crash-land it, wheels up, near Hastings.

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_007

The pride of Britain: The vintage planes – all powered by classic World War Two Merlin engines – roar across the London sky

Flypast: The Duchess of Cornwall, the Prince of Wales, the Queen, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry watch the aerial action

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_008

Aerobatic aces: The Red Arrows display team fly in formation over Buckingham Palace

Jubilee from Tail-end Charlie_009

Stirring image: The Lancaster, centre, was accompanied by two Spitfires on both flanks and tailed by a Hurricane

For All Our Techie Buds

Ya gotta luv those Brits!

The Ikea Boss

He lives in a bungalow, flies easyJet and ‘dries out’ three times a year… the man who founded Ikea and is worth more than 15b.
Self-made man:Ingvar Kamprad with wife Margaretha
In his faded coat, tinted prescription glasses and scuffed shoes, he looks like just another pensioner scraping by on a tight budget. But the man pictured here is Ingvar Kamprad, the reclusive Swedish founder of Ikea. And he is worth 15.7billion.
That makes him the world’s seventh richest man, but the 81-year-old admits he is still “a bit tight” with money.
He takes easyJet flights, drives himself around in a 15-year-old Volvo, and has furnished his modest house almost entirely with Ikea items – which he assembled himself.
He boasted that he changed his barber of many years’ standing after finding another who would cut his hair for only 6. And when he arrived at a gala evening recently to collect a Businessman of the Year Award, the security guards refused to let him in because  they saw him getting off a bus when he arrived.
A former Nazi sympathiser in the years immediately following the Second World War, he is a self-confessed alcoholic who admits he has an ongoing problem with drink. But he says he has it under control and adds that he “dries out” three times a year.
His eagerness to save money extends to his visits to London, when he shuns taxis and prefers to use the Tube or buses.
A simple life: Mr Kamprad’s Swiss home, furnished almost entirely with items from Ikea
The Ikea Boss2
He now lives in semi-retirement with his wife Margaretha in a villa in Switzerland. The couple are often seen dining out in cheap restaurants and haggling over prices in the market.  He always does his food shopping in the afternoon, when the prices in his local market start to fall.
Recently, a statue of him was erected in his Swedish home town, and he was invited to cut the ribbon.  It was reported that instead he untied it, folded it neatly and handed it to the mayor, telling him he could now use it again.
Explaining his frugal nature, he said: “I am a bit tight with money, a sort of Swedish Scotsman.
But so what?
“If I start to acquire luxurious things then this will only incite others to follow suit.
“It’s important that leaders set an example.
“I look at the money I’m about to spend on myself and ask if Ikea’s customers could afford it.
“From time to time I like to buy a nice shirt and cravat – and eat Swedish fish roe.”
Mr Kamprad was 17 when he founded Ikea in 1943.  The name came from his initials, IK, with an E for Elmtaryd, the family farm where he grew up, and an A for Agunnaryd, his home village.
He came up with the idea of flat-packed furniture when he was trying to fit a table into the boot of his car – a friend suggested he should take the legs off, and the rest is history.
He opened his first store in 1965, only to see the wind smash the neon sign and cause a fire which burned the place down. 
From that inauspicious beginning-Ikea has grown from a village-based mail order business to a multinational empire with a turnover of nearly 9 billion a year.
It is 21 years since Ikea opened its first British store, in WarringtonCheshire, taking the furniture business by storm and bringing the joys – and frustrations – of the flatpack to countless homes. Ikea is now Britain‘s fourth biggest furniture retailer despite having relatively few branches.
It has been claimed that more people read the Ikea catalogue than the Bible – and that one in ten Europeans have been conceived on an Ikea bed.
The company is now run jointly by Mr Kamprad’s three sons Peter, 44, Jonas, 41, and Matthias, 39, because their father does not want any one person to have total control.

Terrible Joke

To my Brit friends!

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything…

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo..

He wanders up to another lion and says “What’s the food like here?”

The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees