Only a farm kid would see it this way!‏

Only a farm kid would see it this way

When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say’s, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment…then say’s, “you’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

Newfoundland Farmer

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident.

He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot lawyer was questioning Angus.

“Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the lawyer.

Angus responded:  ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted.  ‘Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!?’

Angus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…’

The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.  Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the lawyer:  I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.’

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.  However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what would you say?’

 

From the mouths of…‏

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Old Butch

GREAT STORY…
 
 
 
 
 
 
Old Butch
 

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No-Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next election – the bells are not always audible!

Bravo le photographe!

(This link resolves to a PowerPoint file.  If you do not have PowerPoint you can download a free PowerPoint Viewer from Microsoft here. – Ed.)

 

Bravo_le_photographe

Greetings for you

May you ALWAYS make the right moveGreetings for you_001
May your cup runneth over with loveGreetings for you_002
MAY YOU ALWAYS FIND SHELTER FROM ANY STORMGreetings for you_003
May you remain good looking and looking good.Greetings for you_004
May you find the perfect diet for your body and your soul.Greetings for you_005
May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.Greetings for you_006
May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.Greetings for you_007
May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink and furry TAN.Greetings for you_008
May  you  manage  to  MAKE  time  for  Time Out!Greetings for you_009May all the new folks you meet be interesting and kind.Greetings for you_010

May you always know when to walk away?.. and when to RUN!Greetings for you_011

AND MAY YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY ALWAYS BRING YOU JOYGreetings for you_012
May the last days of 2013 be your BEST days EVER!!!
May this time only hold good health, successful projects, professional growth and happiness for yGreetings for youuand your loved ones!

Beep Beep

BeepBeep

Hot Summer!

You know it has been a hot summer when you see pictures like these!

BRITISH & KIDS HUMOUR‏

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is…
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
____________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

No words needed…


When you need a smile

  


































Send this to 3 friends and you will make 3 friends smile. 

No, you won’t GET SOMETHING. 

Sorry, but that’s the truth.