15 Brilliant Answers

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/02/28/15-brilliant-test-answers-from-smartass-kids/

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5 Life Changing Lessons About Happiness From Winnie The Pooh

http://www.higherperspectives.com/winnie-the-pooh-1498326907.html

True or False?‏

Can you guess which of the following are True and which are False?

(Answers are below.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Tootsie.’

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

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They are all TRUE…..
Now go back and think about 16!!!

 

QUIZ FOR MY VERY BRIGHT FRIENDS

 

There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know a lot!
I found out in a hurry that I didn’t. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘ dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

Answers To Quiz:

1 The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2 North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3 Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4 The fruit with its seeds on the outside:Strawberry.

5 How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6 Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle…

7 Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8 The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9 Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with ‘S’:Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART; Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to
 send this e-mail to at least one genius challenged person.Okay, my job’s done!

Don’t send it back to me. I’ve already failed it once

Academy of Stuff

Academy of Stuff_001

The Academy Of Stuff presents this study from  the Etymology Lab……

Lexiphiles    (i.e., “lovers of words”)  –   you know . . .  like,  

 you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish. . . or, …

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . .. . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture: . .. . a jab well done.

                                                           Academy of Stuff_002

 

Out of the mouths of Experts

Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.
Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television.

The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943″

I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people,and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what is it good for?
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates, 1981

This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,
Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible,
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,
Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this,
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the uniqDrill for oil?

You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy,
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France

Everything that can be invented has been invented,
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required.
Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make
copies of documents. It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.
the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least…
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

What It Means To Be A British Columbian

We love it here and wouldn’t change it for anything .

1. You know the provincial flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. You use the statement “sunny break” and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Serious Coffee, City Blends and Tim Horton’s.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos, Nanaimo and Tsawwassen.

12.You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark – while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”

17. You cannot wait for a day with “showers and sunny breaks”.

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.

20. You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

21. You notice “the mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep your socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in your car in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) & Raining Again (Fall).

34. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in coastal British Columbia or those who used to live here!

Why Women Should Not Take Men Shopping

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Complained to the service desk that he waited in the men’s room for an hour and no one came in to wash his hands. The sign says employees

must wash hands.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Regards,

Wal-Mart

(Ed: #8 & #9 not included in email received)

Well Known Proverbs – updated

(Not actually ‘sent’ to me – a FaceBook friend shared it as a picture.  Too good not to include here.)

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. I am going to use this in poetry workshops under “use of the imagination.”

Why Teachers Drink


ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
(wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)