All posts for the month January, 2015
Posted by John Mills on January 31, 2015
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
Oh, and by the way…
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
Posted by John Mills on January 26, 2015
Posted by John Mills on January 24, 2015
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Posted by John Mills on January 22, 2015
Posted by John Mills on January 19, 2015
I hate it when he plays ” Mount Everest ..”
‘Life is better when you are happy, but life is best when
Other people are happy because of you’
Posted by John Mills on January 18, 2015
Posted by John Mills on January 15, 2015