A Real Dilemma

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas …Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.” But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

Pavarotti’s Granddaughter

A VOICE THAT NO MONEY CAN BUY!

PAVAROTTI ALIVE.

It is beautiful and emotional. Pavarotti’s grand daughter is only 15 years old.

Volume up, sit back and enjoy.

What a voice, she inherited a lot of Pavarotti’s DNA.

Maxine Sums It All Up!

MaxineSumsItAllUp

As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door 
without  using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon  peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread 
because I  can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
 I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s  handbag 
for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public  toilet.

I must send my special thanks 
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot  day.

Thanks to you 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet  stains.

I no longer buy 
fuel without taking someone  along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use  Cling Wrap 
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know 
I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to  the cinema 
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping  centers 
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a  huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice 
I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was  probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening 
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas  from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a  friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second  husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy  study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my  toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that  water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the  toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

 

The View from the ISS

POST OFFICE…PRICELESS

 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was  about.

 The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 83 year  old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.  

A Wife’s Revenge

http://www.trendzified.net/wife-revenge/

Amazing!

The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like? 
 
 
 
 
Now, before you scroll down to look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like…
 
 
 
 

 

Got it?

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

Ready?

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 


Amazing!001
 
 
Amazing!002

 

Not exactly what you were expecting is it??!!

 

The tallest and best proportioned woman in the world lives in Holland .

 

She is 7’4′ and weighs 320

 

What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren’t overweight; we’re just too short!

 

Your Smile For Today

 


 Your Smile For Today001

I hate it when he plays ” Mount Everest ..”

 


Your Smile For Today002
Menopause sucks.

 


Your Smile For Today003
Who the heck is “Sugar Lips?”

 


Your Smile For Today004
Those brownies were Far Out!!

 


Your Smile For Today005
NO! We Don’t want any Magazine Subscriptions!

 


Your Smile For Today006
There’s a ringer competing in the Hogtown Olympics.

 

 


Your Smile For Today007
I’m not Over-Weight, I’m Under-Height!!

 

 


Your Smile For Today008
You do have an odd perspective on things.

 

 


Your Smile For Today009
Lunchtime at the Corncob Cafe.

 

 


Your Smile For Today010
Okay, I caught him, now what do I do with him?

 

 

 

 

Your Smile For Today011
I hate this game.

 

 


Your Smile For Today012
Flight ‘Hum-One’ coming in for a landing.

 

 


Your Smile For Today013
Hi, I’m Celeste, I’ll be your Aura-Concierge today.

 

 


Your Smile For Today014
Just act natural and blend in.

 

 


Your Smile For Today015
Where’s my Coffee?

 

 

Your Smile For Today016
Whoo-o loves ya, Baby?


‘Life is better when you are happy, but life is best when
Other people are happy because of you’

Unbelievably idiotic!!!‏

Anything for a golf ball.

A Silly Old Bugger -Unbelievably idiotic!!!

Some old guys will do anything for a golf ball.

 

Morning after the Zoo’s New Year’s Party‏

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