2003 Darwin Awards

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year’s Darwin
Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again,
truly classic.

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,
has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
pool. Just think… until these events, these same
people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower
at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced
dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
the Mono County Sheriff’s department said. Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The
pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a
tower. It has since been investigated and determined the
tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
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4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police,
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out
without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.
—————————————————————-

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above
him on a n overhanging rock and was killed instantly
when it fell on him.
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2nd RUNNER-UP:

“Man loses face at party.” A man at a West Virginia party (probably
related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used
the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off hi lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24,
of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. “Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it.”
“It wouldn’t go off and this guy said I’ll show you how to set it off.”
He put it into his mouth, bit down and it
blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer
was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston
Area
Medical Division. “I just can’t imagine anyone doing something like
that,” Payne said.
—————————————————————-

1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through
the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men’s
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert’s right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went
through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the
rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this.” No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney’s office said the initiation stunt is under
investigation.
—————————————————————-

Now, THIS YEAR’S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no
tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they
thought
it would be easy to “hop” over the nine foot fence and sneak into the
show.

They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for
Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr.
Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate
for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted
(and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by
his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he
looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife
and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his r****m. To make
matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated
his thigh.

Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a
rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived
to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet
from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on
his body, a holly stick in his r****m, a knife in his
thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win…

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Sonofabitch

Things that make you go awwww‏

Good for what ails you.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I no
come work today, I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache and my legs hurt. I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell
her to give me sex. That makes everything better and
can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

“Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be work
soon. You got nice house.”