25 People Share Their Worst ‘F*ck My Life’ Moments And They’re So Sad It’s Funny.

http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/25-people-share-their-worst-fck-my-life-moments-and-theyre-so-sad-its-funny/p-5

Words To Ponder

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

 


 

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

 


 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

 


 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 


 

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

 


 

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 


 

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

 


 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

 


 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

 

 

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

 


 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 


 

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 


 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 


 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 


 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 


 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 


 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 


 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 


 

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 


 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 


 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 


 

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
… AMEN

 

Mystery, thy name is woman‏

    WOMEN’S  REVENGE 

‘Cash,  check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the  woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for  her wallet,  I noticed a  remote control for a television set in her  purse. 
‘So, do  you always carry your TV remote?’ I  asked. 
‘No,’  she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come  shopping with me, and I  figured this was the most evil thing I could do to  him legally.’ 
 
UNDERSTANDING  WOMEN 
(A MAN’S  PERSPECTIVE) 
I know  I’m not going to understand  women.  I’ll  never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair  out by the root, and still  be afraid of a spider.   
 
WIFE  VS. HUSBAND 
A couple  drove down a country road for several miles, not  saying a word. An earlier discussion had led  to an argument and neither of them wanted to  concede their position…  As  they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and  pigs, the  husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of  yours?’ 
‘Yep,’  the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’ 
 
WORDS 
A husband  read an article to his wife about how many words  women use a day.  30,000 to  a man’s 15,000.  The  wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we  have to repeat everything to men… The  husband then turned to his wife and asked,  ‘What?’ 
CREATION 
A man  said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t  know  how you can  be so  stupid and so  beautiful  all at  the same  time.  ‘The  wife  responded,  ‘Allow me to explain.God made me  beautiful  so you would  be  attracted to  me; God made me  stupid so I  would be attracted to you! 
 
WHO  DOES WHAT 
A man  and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each  morning. 
The wife  said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get  our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in  charge of cooking around here and you should  do it, because that is your job, and I can just  wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you  should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that  the man should do the coffee.’ 
Husband  replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So  she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old  Testament and showed him at the top of several  pages, that it indeed says …  ‘HEBREWS’ 
The  Silent Treatment 
A man and  his wife were having some problems at home and were  giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,  he would need his wife to wake  him at 5:00  AM for an early morning business  flight. 
Not  wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please  wake me at 5:00 AM ….’  He left it  where he knew she would find  it. 
The next  morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was  9:00 AM  and he had  missed his flight
Furious, he  was about to go and  see why his  wife hadn’t wakened him, when he  noticed a piece of paper by  the  bed. 
The paper  said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..’
Men are not  equipped for these kinds of  contests. 
 
God may  have created man before woman, but there is always  a     rough draft  before the masterpiece 
 
SEND  THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN  YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Wonderful Definitions‏

Wonderfully described definitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other! 

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters 

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either 

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present 

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece 

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power! 

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on 

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before 

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read 

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight! 

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth 

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes 

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip 

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!” 

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature 

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early 

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later 

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

 

Love Story

A story in pictures you won’t forget easily….

FOCUS ON THE MAN IN THE FIRST PICTURE. . .

IT’S HIM THROUGHOUT THE SERIES BELOW. . .

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If he is a hero………..She is an angel.

PLEASE DO NOT HOLD ON TO THIS OR PRESS DELETE.
SOMEONE HAS TO HOLD OUR COUNTRY IN THEIR HANDS.

(Ed. I googled “Taylor Morris” for more info and found this.)

Just For Smiles

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PONDER THIS……….

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Good Ones

Not Hallmark Cards . . .
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