Did I read that sign right?

1) In a Restroom

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

2) In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

3) In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

4) In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

5) In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

6) Outside a second hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

7) Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

8) Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

9) Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

10)Notice in a farmer’s field

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

11) Message on a leaflet

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

12) On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Strange Newspaper Headlines

1) Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

2) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

3) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

4) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

5) Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

6) Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

7) War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

8) If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

9) Cold Wave Appears to be Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

10) Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be onto something!

11) Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

12) Man Recently Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

13) New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

14)  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

15) Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

16) Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

17) Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Advertisements

The thirsty cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”  The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.  When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.  All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”  “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

Stunning BBC commercial – I liked this one!

(I can’t help but wonder how commercial networks force the original author of this one to watch their commercials.  Sounds counter-productive to me.  Force me to watch your commercial and I’m just not going to buy what you’re peddling.  – Ed)

Sound on and watch.

Every night and day we sit and moan about the rubbish being passed off as commercials that we are forced to watch by our commercial networks.
If only we could make commercials like this one, there would be no complaints forthcoming. This really is magical…..

David Attenborough does it again!
What a stunning commercial from BBC !

www.youtube.com/embed/auSo1MyWf8g?rel=0

Senior password change

Senior trying to set a password ………..

 WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

 

USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

 

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

 

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

 

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

 


 

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

 


 

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

 


 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

 


 

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

 


 

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

 


 

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

 


 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

 


 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

 

 

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

 


 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 


 

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 


 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 


 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 


 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 


 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 


 

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

 


 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 


 

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 


 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 


 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 


 

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
… AMEN

 

10 things we didn’t know last week

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-28480687

Learn How To Cool Down Your Warm Beer In Under 2 Minutes With Science.

 

 

http://www.viralnova.com/cool-can/

China’s New “LITTLE CAR” aka “THE HIGHWAY SUPPOSITORY.”‏

This is not a joke, they do sell for $600.00 and they won’t be able to make them fast enough.
Here’s a one seater car that will get you back and forth to work on the cheap…
This $600 Volkswagen’s car gets 258 mpg, 109.687 km/l or 0,9 litre per 100 km!!!
China's New LITTLE CAR001
This $600 car is not a toy; it is ready to be released in China next year.
The single seater aero car totes VW (Volkswagen) branding.
Volkswagen did a lot of very highly protected testing of this car in Germany; it was not announced until now where the car would make its first appearance…
The car was introduced at the VW stockholders meeting as the most economical car in the world!
The initial objective of the prototype was to prove that 1 litre of fuel could deliver 100 kilometres of travel.
China's New LITTLE CAR002


Its Spartan interior does not sacrifice safety; the impact and roll-over protection is comparable to a GT

racing cars.

The aero design proved essential to getting the desired result.
The body is 3.47 meters long and just 1.25 meters wide, and a little over a meter high.
The prototype was made completely of carbon fibre and is not painted to save weight.

The power plant is a one cylinder diesel, positioned ahead of the rear axle and combined with an automatic shift controlled by a knob in the interior.

The Most Economic Car in the World will be on sale next year:

Better than Electric Car – 258 miles/gallon: IPO 2010 in Shanghai
This is a single-seat car  From conception to production: 3 years and the company is headquartered in Hamburg , Germany .
Will be selling for 4000 Yuan, equivalent to US $600..
Gas tank capacity = 1.7 gallons
Speed = 62 – 74.6 Miles/hour
Fuel efficiency = 258 miles/gallon
Travel distance with a full tank = 404 miles or 646 km !!!

Tree of 40 Fruits

http://twistedsifter.com/2014/07/this-tree-bears-40-different-fruits/

Mind-Boggling Stuff‏

Mind-Boggling Stuff‏001 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏002 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏003 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏004 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏005 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏006 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏007 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏008 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏009 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏010 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏011 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏012 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏013 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏014 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏015 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏016 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏017 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏018 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏019 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏020 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏021 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏022 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏023 Mind-Boggling Stuff‏024