TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got
in the back-seat by mistake.”
________________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I ! don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts
up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
________________________________________________________________________

“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ” ! Super sex.”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelch air. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the
soup.”
_______________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad
at me .. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think
of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell
me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to! know ? ”
_____________________________________________ __________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just
heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they
came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, t hey ! went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
“Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving ?”

Happy Friday

ME FIRST

And the SURGEON GENERAL says . .

Diversionary tactic.

Words of Wisdom.

A fortune to remember.

Stay off the course . . . Or else!

Not my job

DESPERATE FOR A TICKET TO THE WORLD CUP


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QUEEN OF THE BLONDES


What will I be when I grow up?
This is just too priceless not to share!





If you don’t pass this along, a dog will come out and pee on your computer!






I guess you didn’t send it fast enough!



There
may have been times when I may have;
Disturbed you,
Troubled you,
Pestered you,
Irritated you,
Bugged you,or
Got on your nerves with all the emails I send,

So today I just wanna tell you that…



I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!

Retired Guy

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and
just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch
in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m
ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her
any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.  I’m
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on JULY 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder The all-woman jury
took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Incredible Sculptures

These sculptures are made out of silicone and fiber glass. pretty cool.

Ron Mueck’s work became world-famous when a poignant sculpture of his dead fathers small, naked body caused shock waves in the Royal Academy’SSensation exhibition in 1997. The attention to detail and sheer technical brilliance of his figures are incredible, but it is Mueck’s use of scale that takes your breath away.

His work is lifelike but not life size, and being face to face with the tiny, gossiping Two Women (2005) or the monumental woman In Bed (2005) is an unforgettable experience .

Mueck’s huge 4.5m crouching Boy was the centerpiece of the Millennium Dome in London and of the Venice Biennale in 2001. The artist’s work is becoming ever more intriguing, ranging from smaller-than-life size naked figures to much larger, but never actual, life size Consequently his hyper-realistic sculptures in fiberglass and silicone, while extraordinarily lifelike, challenge us by their odd scale. The psychological confrontation for the viewer is to recognize and assimilate two contradictory realities.

Police Harassment?

For what reason is the Police Officer pulling these people over?

Scroll down for the answer

How long did it take you to realize she is not wearing a helmet !
May you always have,
Love to Share,
Health to Spare and
Friends that Care

funnies…ll‏

TEXAS LIMO