10 WAYS TO REALLY ANNOY PEOPLE

1.    Leave the photocopier set at 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, legal
2.    In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage.”
3.    Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4.    Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
5.    Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
6.    Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
7.    Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8.    Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9.    Ask people what gender they are.
10.    While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

PRESIDENT CLINTON’S TESTIMONY by Dr. Seuss

I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK

I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE
I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE
I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER PANTS

I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE
I NEVER DID IT IN A BED
IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU’VE BEEN MISLED

I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN
I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE
I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN
I NEVER BOINKED SUDDAM HUSSEIN
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP
I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP
I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY
WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY

THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER
I CHASED HER ‘ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER
NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE
I WOULDN’T EVEN WITH MY WIFE
AND GENNIFER FLOWERS’ TALE OF WOES
WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES
AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS
ARE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS
I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE
I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY
I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER
BUT IF I DID, I DON’T REMEMBER
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL
I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON’T RECALL
I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY
I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY

I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT
I MIGHT HAVE ONCE WITH ARAFAT
I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY
I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE
THERE WAS NO SEX AT ARLINGTON
THERE WAS NO SEX ON AIR FORCE ONE
I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL
AND THEN ENDEAVORED TO CONCEAL

BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS SO LEWD
AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE
THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED
THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED
IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH CIGAR
I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR
I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN
WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN
I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU’VE CAUGHT ME
BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH
DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH
I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL
BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE