A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.  The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7) .
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent .
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.
The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain,or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day,commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 perday — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……and no one even knows his name.
I think this is my favorite e-mail ever!

 

Modern Day Renaissance Masterpiece

http://twistedsifter.com/2016/01/nye-photo-from-manchester-is-modern-day-renaissance-masterpiece/

Maxine Sums It All Up!

MaxineSumsItAllUp

As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door 
without  using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon  peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread 
because I  can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
 I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s  handbag 
for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public  toilet.

I must send my special thanks 
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot  day.

Thanks to you 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet  stains.

I no longer buy 
fuel without taking someone  along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use  Cling Wrap 
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know 
I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to  the cinema 
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping  centers 
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a  huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice 
I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was  probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening 
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas  from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a  friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second  husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy  study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my  toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that  water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the  toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

 

POST OFFICE…PRICELESS

 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was  about.

 The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 83 year  old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.  

Revenge‏

 A  musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United  airlines.
 Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damage caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar.
During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for YouTube exposing their lack of cooperation.
The  Manager responded: “Good luck with that one, pal.”
So he posted a retaliatory video on YouTube.
The video has since received over 6 million hits.
United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange  for pulling the video. Naturally his response was:
“Good luck with   that one, pal.”
Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation  for the product recognition from the video that has led to a sharp increase in orders.
Here’s the video:

 

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD

The United Kingdom

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD001

followed closely by… 

The United States of America

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD002

and then… 
Poland

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD003

but commendations must go to… 

Greece 

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD004

Serbia 

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD005

Ireland. (Ya gotta love the Irish. )

The Irish are true romantics.look, he’s even


holding her hand…

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD006

Woman has Man in it; 

Mrs. has
 Mr. in it; 

Female has
 Male in it; 

She has 
He in it; 

John Cleese on Stupidity

Honesty is the best policy

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and  headed north.
After driving for a  few hours, they got  caught in a terrible  blizzard. So they  pulled into a nearby farm and  asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’   she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said.. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the  weather breaks, we’ll be gone at  first light.’
The lady  agreed, and the  two men found  their way to the  barn and settled in  for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way.  They enjoyed a  great weekend of  skiing.
But about nine  months later, Jack got an unexpected  letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes  to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend and had slept in her barn.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and  asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” Said Bob
“Did you, happen to get up in  the middle of the night, go up to the  house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!,”    Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,  ‘I have to admit that I  did.”
“And did you happen to give her  my name instead  of  yours?”
Bob’s face turned  beet red and he said, “Yeah, look,   I’m sorry, buddy.  I’m afraid that I did.’     ‘Why do you ask?”
“She just died and  left me everything.”

David’s return to Italy

The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City were delighted to welcome
Michelangelo’s sculpture of David for a two year ‘all American’ exhibition…

David's return to Italy001
 

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy
 
 
 David's return to Italy002


His Proud Sponsors were:

David's return to Italy004David's return to Italy003David's return to Italy005David's return to Italy006

Something to think about

2 Tough Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist
He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first… no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.