Why, Why, Why …

… do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And my FAVORITE¦

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they’re OK, then it’s you.

Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**

 

Advertisements

Holistic Medicine

Yep…That’d work!
 

Holistic Medicine

SENIOR REFLECTIONS‏

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …

-———

Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese … FINE, it was a pizza … I ate a pizza …
———-
How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.
———-
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web …
———-
I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes …
———–
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it …

————-

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it … When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel …
————-
Senility has been a smooth transition for me …
————-
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
————-
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this …
————-
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him …
————–
My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
————–
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day …
————-

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

Groan

A burger walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here’

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall

Why can’t you play poker on the African Savanna? There’s too many cheetahs.

What’s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me.

Why is it always hot in the corner of a room? Because a corner is 90 degrees.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? It’s two-tired.

My dolphin puns are terrible on porpoise.

I’m thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

( If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken …… no yolk! )

Creepy Hawaiian Legends

http://allday.com/post/8477-keep-these-creepy-hawaiian-legends-in-mind-next-time-you-visit-the-aloha-state/

This is what happens when you reply to spam email

Fake Book Covers on the Subway

Retouch this!

https://www.facebook.com/FuriCurentAzi/videos/998727606872185/

It’s Just Mathematics

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…it goes like this:
 

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 

and 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But ,
 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!