All posts tagged Matrimony
Posted by John Mills on January 8, 2016
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
(YES, YES, GO AHEAD – READ IT AGAIN)
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the river”.
This is a frightening statistic !
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”
Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”
“What’s that sweetie?” asked her husband.
“How did you know I was at Walmart?
He must pay !
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Posted by John Mills on February 4, 2015
This was soooo touching!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing – you’re just like Frank.”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passen ger: “Sounds like he was somebody really special.”
Cabbie: “Oh hell there’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well. I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Posted by John Mills on February 1, 2015
Robert , 85, married Jenny,
a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Robert, Again he is ready for more ‘action’.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more
coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 – year – old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
‘You mean I was here already?’
The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.
Have I sent this to you already?
Posted by John Mills on December 10, 2014
— Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8And the #1 Favorite is…….
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
Posted by John Mills on December 3, 2014
Posted by John Mills on December 1, 2014
The United Kingdom
followed closely by…
The United States of America
but commendations must go to…
Ireland. (Ya gotta love the Irish. )
The Irish are true romantics.look, he’s even
holding her hand…
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Posted by John Mills on October 21, 2014
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought…
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)
Posted by John Mills on October 8, 2014
(Shared by a friend from a friend …. on Facebook- Ed)
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn’t find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?”
She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”
So I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn’t sure and said “What?”
I repeated the gestures.”Eye – Kneed – The Rake”
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye,
Next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch….
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?
“Eye – Left Tit – Behind – The Bush”
Posted by John Mills on October 4, 2014