Why Teachers Drink

From the pens of children……. lots of new ones.

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We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, 
know this is funny!
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked....
"What did you call it?"
It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
( Sorry, actual picture of the elephant wouldn't
 copy 'n paste)

Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.


He got an A.


During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
Did you know that… When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let’s read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he’ll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to others the devil will discourage you, but forward it anyway.
Dick Beier

Gotta love Johnny!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.  Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.  The teacher held her breath…

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog shit!’

“Then I would say, ‘It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’

“I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”

Punny you should mention that

 I  tried to catch some fog. I mist.


 When  chemists die, they barium.


 Jokes  about German sausage are the wurst.


 I  know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any  time.


 How  does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


 I  stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


 This  girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met  herbivore.


 I’m  reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


 I did  a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .


 They  told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.


 A  dyslexic man walks into a bra .


 PMS  jokes aren’t funny, period.


 Why  were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


 Class  trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.


 The  Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.


 The  old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.


 Did  you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t  control her pupils?


 When  you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


 I  wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


 What  do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


 England  has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


 I  used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


 All  the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing  to go on.


 I got  a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


 Velcro  – what a rip off!


 Cartoonist  found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


 I  used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Little Johnny Strikes Again…

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my grandad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.  It was fascinating’.
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word  fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand.   She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated’.  The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate’.
Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had  been burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him .
Johnny said, ‘My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight’.
The teacher sat down and cried.

Spanish Computer Teacher‏

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la Casa.’

‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know

all the men that have a sense of humour

Book Report

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost – $29.99 

Clinton : Cost – $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing


I would have given him 100%!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very big hands!
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall was already built by eight guys.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.