All posts for the month February, 2014
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home…
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper..
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed..
At 09 P..M ..
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love,
Which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: –
‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’
This has been voted Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year!
Posted by John Mills on February 27, 2014
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q.What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q.Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q..Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q.In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHINGEnjoy and pass on to your friends.
Posted by John Mills on February 24, 2014
It’s the laws of nature that the stupid usually remove themselves from the gene pool………
(…and preferably before the genes have been passed on. -Ed)
Posted by John Mills on February 23, 2014
Posted by John Mills on February 22, 2014
I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
National Girlfriend and Sister’s Week
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use, and the friends I have.
To the cool women who have touched my life. Here’s to you!
National Girlfriends Day
If you get this twice , you know you have more than one girlfriend.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS AND RETURN IT TO THE FRIEND WHO SENT IT TO YOU
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don ‘t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don ‘t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
Posted by John Mills on February 21, 2014
Posted by John Mills on February 21, 2014
A man received a message from his neighbor … :
“Sorry sir, I am using your wife…I am using day and night …I am using when you are not present at home….In fact I am using more than you are using…..
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt…
Hope you will accept my sincere apologies.”
… and the man shot his wife…
A few minutes later he received another message:
“So sorry sir, spelling mistake … wifi, not wife.”
Posted by John Mills on February 20, 2014