All posts for the month September, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 30, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 29, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 28, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 27, 2014
Posted by John Mills on September 26, 2014
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot lawyer was questioning Angus.
“Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the lawyer.
Angus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…’
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!?’
Angus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…’
The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the lawyer: I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.’
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Now what would you say?’
Posted by John Mills on September 26, 2014
This photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end of the road in Sitka, Alaska.
The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small fish seen at the surface around the kayak).
The kayaker is a local Sitka dentist. He apparently didn’t sustain any injuries from the terrifying experience.
The whale was just around the corner from the ferry terminal, and all the kayaker could think at the time was, “Paddle really fast!”
He is in the whale’s MOUTH!
Posted by John Mills on September 24, 2014
On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation and handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.
The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want.”
Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
The medicine man responded, “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4;’ but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3”. Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. … Because we could end up with a dangling participle.……….
Posted by John Mills on September 23, 2014
We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked.... "What did you call it?" It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... ( Sorry, actual picture of the elephant wouldn't copy 'n paste)
Posted by John Mills on September 22, 2014
These classified ads were really put in the paper FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Posted by John Mills on September 21, 2014