Fifty Years Together

 

50yearsmarried
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1.
‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.””Not to worry,” said the father.
“Important thing is we’re all together today.”
Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father.
“We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived.
“Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
“There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.”You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said,
“WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep”, said the father,
“Cheap ones too…”

Wet T-shirt contest‏

Winner:Wet T-shirt Contest

 

And you were expecting what…?!

 

 

From me…?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wet T-shirt contest

Wonderful Definitions‏

Wonderfully described definitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other! 

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters 

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either 

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present 

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece 

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power! 

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on 

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before 

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read 

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight! 

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth 

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes 

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip 

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!” 

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature 

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early 

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later 

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

 

Funny Quotes from Phyllis Diller

  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  • The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
  • I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Plane Ride

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spenton the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

I’m Not Crazy

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Just For Smiles

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A Pilot Father’s Love..‏

You never know – it might work….
Love…

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control  kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.
I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, the kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with a child, in case you would like to use the technique. 

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A Pilot Father's Love

Should work with grandkids
also!