One Liners

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them…you’re a mile
away and you have their shoes!

11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time!

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass… then
things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night!

27. There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday…around age 11.

30. EVERYONE seems normal until you get to know them.

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

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The Wrong Bitch

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,
looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to
a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The
French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You
Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi
is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very
tired.” The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine! The soldier didn’t say
anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the
window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke
up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong
bitch out the window.”

Teaching Math

Changes in Teaching philosophy over the years.

Teaching math in the 1950’s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.00. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

Teaching math in the 1960’s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.00.  His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.00.  What is his profit?

Teaching math in the 1970’s:
A logger exchanges a set  “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money.
The cardinality of set “M” is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar.

Make 100 dots representing  the elements of the set “M”.  The set “C”,
the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than the set “M”.
Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching math in the 1980’s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.00.  His cost of
production is $80.00 and his profit is $20.00.  Your assignment:
underline the number 20.

Teaching math in the 1990’s:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20.00.
What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class
participation after answering the question:  How did the forest birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.00.  His cost of
production is $120.00.  How does  Arthur Anderson  (Enron Corp.
auditing firm) profit margin is $ 60.00?

Teaching math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.00. El costo de production
es…..