A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.  The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7) .
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent .
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.
The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain,or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day,commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 perday — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……and no one even knows his name.
I think this is my favorite e-mail ever!

 

Ads for modern day sites designed to look vintage.

 

— History In Pictures (@HistoryInPics) October 23, 2015

Be Careful What You Promise!

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE – I’M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
”Go away!” said the old lady.  ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” And she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…

”Don’t be too hasty!” he said.” Not until you have at least seen my   demonstration.”
 And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam,I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Mouse balls and mouse ball inspector‏

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was an actual memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

“If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only  be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

“Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

“Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.”

(and here’s what Snopes has to say – Ed)

Top 8 Morons Of 2013

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???  AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.  He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:  Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!!!   A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When  detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???    A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only  two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.  ‘No!’ the  man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7.   NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!   In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.   (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!   Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.    The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS   TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Business with a smile

(I bought a small item on eBay from a seller in South Korea.  This was appended to the packing slip.  I think it is just wonderful. – Ed)

 

esimaging002

 

Wonderful Definitions‏

Wonderfully described definitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other! 

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters 

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either 

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present 

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece 

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power! 

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on 

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before 

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read 

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight! 

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth 

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes 

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip 

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!” 

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature 

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early 

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later 

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

 

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT

Take a look at these great posters. Using just hand shapes, some paint and a phone, an American phone company advertised worldwide by painting hands in the colours of different countries.  It’s just brilliant.   ENJOY!!

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT001 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT002 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT003 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT004 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT005 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT006 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT007 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT008 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT009 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT010 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT011 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT012 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT013 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT014 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT015 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT016 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT017 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT018 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT019 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT020 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT021 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT022 ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT023

Craziness

Study these 3 photos closely,
then read the message at the bottom.
It will explain a lot of things…
Craziness001 Craziness002 Craziness003
THIS IS INDIA …
IT’S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU
HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM
WITH YOUR COMPUTER…

Company Logos‏

Just think…companies get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to dream up this stuff!

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT THESE LOGO’S THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN.

Company Logos001
Do you see the arrow between the “E” and “x” (in white)?
I had never noticed it before.===========================================================
Company Logos002
The 2nd and 3rd “T’s” are two people sharing (or fighting over) a
tortilla and a bowl of salsa.=============================================================
Company Logos003
The world’s most famous bike race. The “R” in “Tour” is a cyclist.
The yellow circle is the front wheel of a bicycle, the “O” is the back wheel.

========================================================
Company Logos004
The arrow means Amazon has everything from A to Z

=====================================
Company Logos005
The gap between the “K” and the “I” is a sideways chocolate kiss.

===========================================================
Company Logos006
There is a dancing bear above the “ble”.
Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne , Switzerland ,
whose symbol is the bear.

=============================================================

Company Logos007
See the ” 31″ embedded in the ” BR”?
Thirty one-derful flavors!

================================================
Company Logos008
Northwest Airlines. The circle is a compass.
The arrow in the upper left corner is pointing..? North West Of Course !

=============================================================
Company Logos009
See the gorilla and lioness (in white) facing each other?
AWESOME ~  LOVED this one !

=======================================================
Company Logos010
The smiley half face is also a ‘g”.

========================================================
Company Logos011
The emblem for the Milwaukee Brewers.
Baseball glove forms an “M” and a “B”.
This Logo was designed by a college student.