The Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 
The Golfing Nun001
‘What troubles you, Sister ?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’ 

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

The Golfing Nun002


‘I seem to recall that,’ said Mother Superior. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing ?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today !’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it !’


The Golfing Nun003


‘Well, we were on the fifth tee – and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5,

with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

The Golfing Nun004


And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’


The Golfing Nun005

‘Oh my !’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate. But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister !’ 
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,

grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway !’

The Golfing Nun006

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme !’ sympathized the Mother. 
‘But I didn’t, Mother !’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself, eh. And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops

out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws.’

The Golfing Nun007

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup !’

The Golfing Nun008

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said . . .


The Golfing Nun009

‘You missed the f—ing putt, didn’t you ?’

 

Advertisements

Chicago bound!‏

Nun at the Airport

 

 

 
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.’

SHE WENT OVER TO THE  MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.’

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.’

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG. I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.

 

WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY’S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

 

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, ‘THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.  IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’ NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.’ BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.  SHE SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN’. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ‘.

HOLY SOAP~

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall

he sees three nuns heading his way….
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.


The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
“Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser”.

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells….

“Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO

Five Nuns


Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighbourhood.
All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

too cute not to forward……………