Google Pizza

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it’s Google Pizza.              I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.       OK. I would like to order a pizza.       Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at London Drugs, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago.

This is what happens when you reply to spam email

AIN’T THIS THE TRUTH THOUGH

Attempting to Set A New Password:

 

Website: Sorry that password has expired – you must register a new one.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Website: No good, you must use at least one number.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1frigginprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1FRIGGINprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1Frigginprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1Frigginprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon’tgivemeaccessrightfrigginow

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.

 

Online Safety Tips

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2013/10/03/8-tips-for-safer-online-banking/

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2013/10/01/do-these-3-essential-security-tasks-for-your-family-today/

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2013/08/22/5-tips-to-make-your-facebook-account-safer/

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2013/10/10/security-essentials-what-is-two-factor-authentication/

(Ed – via “Naked Security from Sophos” on Facebook)

How It All Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. 
And she said unto Abraham her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” 
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load.  Knowing a safe response, he said, “How can I do that, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.  The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. 
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. 
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. 
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. 
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” 
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.  And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. 
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.  It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). 
And that is how it all began.