Read it once a year & feel smart

(I have not verified the accuracy of these quotes.  – Ed)
After reading these quotes, I feel like a genius.


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’
–Mariah Carey

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‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,’
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,’
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,’
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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‘That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,’
–A congressional candidate in Texas
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‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
  
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‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
–Al Gore, Vice President

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‘I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.’
Dan Quayle
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‘We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?’
–Lee Iacocca

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‘The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.’
  

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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‘We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.’
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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‘Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.’
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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‘Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.’
–Keppel Enderbery

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‘If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.’
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?
   
Send it on to your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

Read this and never feel stupid again

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Garfield on the oil pricing



A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in  Canada .

Well, there’s a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low.

 
The reason for this is purely geographical.


Our Oil is located in:

ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL  NEWFOUNDLAND

Our DIPSTICKS are  located  in OTTAWA

Any Questions ???

NO ?…  Didn’t think so.

Innovation at its best

Now, don’t tell me that welfare recipients aren’t innovative!

No reason to stand on your feet waiting to get your government welfare check. Just put your flip-flops next in line and go back and sit on your ass and play games on your iPhone.

Is this a great country or what!!

 

Innovation at its best

Government Stimulus

This is how it works folks

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. 

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is
 from Minnesota. 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
 measuring,then works some figures with a pencil. 

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” 

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers, “$2,700.” 

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the
 other guys!How did you come up with such a high figure?” 

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and wehire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” 

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how a stimulus plan works.