Maxine Sums It All Up!

MaxineSumsItAllUp

As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door 
without  using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon  peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread 
because I  can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
 I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s  handbag 
for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public  toilet.

I must send my special thanks 
for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot  day.

Thanks to you 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet  stains.

I no longer buy 
fuel without taking someone  along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use  Cling Wrap 
in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know 
I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to  the cinema 
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping  centers 
because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a  huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice 
I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was  probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening 
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas  from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a  friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law’s second  husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy  study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my  toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that  water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the  toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

 

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