Elder Banking… PRICELESS!!

Shown  below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year  old  woman.

The bank  manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in  the New York Times.

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Dear  Sir:

I am writing  to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my  plumber last  month.

By my  calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting  the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of  course, to the automatic monthly  deposit of my entire pension, an  arrangement which, I admit,  has been in place for only eight  years.

You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for  debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to  your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally  answer your telephone calls and    letters, — when I try to contact you, I  am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless  entity  which your bank has become.

From now on,  I, like you,  choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person.

My  mortgage  and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,  but will arrive at your bank, by check,  addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that  it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open  such an  envelope.

Please find  attached an  Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.

I am sorry it  runs to eight pages, but in  order that I know as much about him or her as  your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note  that all copies of his or her medical history must be  countersigned by a  Notary Public, and the mandatory details  of his/her financial situation  (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due  course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that  it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the  number  of button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service.

As they say,  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level  the playing field even further.

When you call  me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY  AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH

#1. To make  an appointment to see  me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To  transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.

#4 To  transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am  sleeping.

#5. To  transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to  nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave  a message on my computer, a  password to access my computer is  required.

Password will  be communicated to you at a later date to that  Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

#8. To  return  to the main menu and to listen to options 1  through  10

#9. To make a  general complaint or  inquiry.

The contact  will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering  service.

#10. This is  a second reminder to press* for English.

While this  may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to  cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish  you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New  Year?

 

Your Humble  Client

 

 

And remember: Don’t make old  people mad. We don’t like  being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us  off.

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