Funny Quotes from Phyllis Diller

  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  • The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
  • We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
  • I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
  • My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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