DISORDER IN THE COURT

From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.”
They’re things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q:  What is your date of birth?
A:  July fifteenth.
Q:  What year?
A:  Every year.

Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q:  This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A:  Yes.
Q:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A:  I forget.
Q:  You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q:  How old is your son-the one living with you.
A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q:  How long has he lived with you?
A:  Forty-five years.

Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A:  He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q:  And why did that upset you?
A:  My name is Susan.

Q:  And where was the location of the accident?
A:  Approximately milepost 499.
Q:  And where is milepost 499?
A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?
A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?
A:  After the accident?
Q:  Before the accident.
A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for  it.

Q:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A:  We both do.
Q:  Voodoo?
A:  We do.
Q:  You do?
A:  Yes, voodoo.

Q:   Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A:  Yes.
Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:  Yes, sir.
Q:  What did she say?
A:  What disco am I at?

Q:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in  his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q:  Did he kill you?

Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the  collision?

Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

Q:  She had three children, right?
A:  Yes.
Q:  How many were boys?
A:  None.
Q:  Were there any girls?

Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A:  Yes.
Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,  didn’t you?
A:  I went to Europe, Sir.
Q:  And you took your new wife?

Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

Q:  Can you describe the individual?
A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did  you go to?
A:  Oral.

Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was  doing an autopsy.

Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for breathing?
A:  No.
Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A:  No.
Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?
A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Here are some classic Court transcripts,  all recorded by the keeper of the word in various parts of the world…

LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS:  No.

LAWYER:   So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of  it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS:  I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER:   It was covered?
WITNESS:  Yes.  Bandaged.
LAWYER:   Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS:  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Advertisements
Next Post
Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: