Border patrol agent’s gender reveal party ignited a 47,000-acre wildfire

https://www.cnn.com/2018/10/02/us/az-off-duty-border-patrol-agent-wildfire/index.html

Magic Roundabout

Darwin Awards

It just goes to show you that there are idiots out there besides blonds.

 

The Darwin Awards are out …

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

  1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down  the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

And now, the honorable mentions:

 

  1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting  negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger… The chef’s claim was approved.

 

  1. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

  1. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not  wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies…  The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

 

  1. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that  he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

  1. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the  cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime  committed?

 

  1. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cylinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cylinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cylinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief  on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape…

 

  1. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description  of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s  the lady I stole the purse from.”

 

  1. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because  he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast…. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 

  1. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for… Police arrived at the scene  to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course  one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Democracy is not easy

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/british-suffragette-was-the-1st-to-go-to-jail-now-a-letter-to-her-sister-has-been-found-in-b-c-1.4836244

—Astute (but true) observations …..

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

Interior Decorating at its Most Original

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE.

THIS IS A  CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE.

image001

There’s another..below.

 BATHROOM  PAINTED FLOOR!!!

IMAGINE  YOU ARE AT A PARTY ….

Tenth  floor of a hi-rise building…..

AND  THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM…

You open the door… NOW,  REMEMBER

  THE  FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED  FLOOR!

KINDA  TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY…..

DOESN’T  IT?

Scroll sloooooooowly. …..

image002

Would  this mess up your mind???    Would you be able to walk  in To  this bathroom???

New treatment for sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.  He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted, after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.  With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’? 

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

 

That is a BIG bear!!!!

The downloaded pictures are of a man who works for the US Forest Service in Alaska and the bear he had to kill. (killed in self defense).

ATT1

ATT2

He was out deer hunting last week when a large grizzly bear charged him from about 50 yards away.  The guy emptied his 7mm Magnum semi-automatic rifle into the bear and it dropped a few feet from him.  The big bear was still alive so he reloaded and shot it several times in the head.


The bear was just over one thousand six hundred pounds.  It stood 12′ 6″ high at the shoulder, 14′ to the top of his head.  It’s the largest grizzly bear ever recorded in the world.

Of course, the Alaska Fish and Wildlife Commission did not let him keep it as a trophy, but the bear will be stuffed and mounted, and placed on display at the Anchorage airport to remind tourists of the risks involved when in the wild.

Based on the contents of the bears stomach, the Fish and Wildlife Commission established the bear had killed at least two humans in the past 72 hours including a missing hiker

The US Forest Service, backtracking from where the bear had originated, found the hiker’s 38-caliber pistol emptied.  Not far from the pistol were the remains of the hiker.  The other body has not been found.

Although the hiker fired six shots and managed to hit the grizzly with four shots (the Service ultimately found four 38 caliber slugs along with twelve 7mm slugs inside the bear’s dead body), it only wounded the bear and probably angered it immensely.

The bear killed the hiker an estimated two days prior to the bear’s own death by the gun of the Forest Service worker.

Think about this:
If you are an average size man; You would be level with the bear’s navel when he stood upright.  The bear would look you in the eye when it walked on all fours!  To give additional perspective, consider that this particular bear, standing on its hind legs, could walk up to an average single story house and look over the roof, or walk up to a two story house and look in the bedroom windows.

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks.  This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?  Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they had tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would have broken on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?  Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with it?’ you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.  (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you saw a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there were two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These were solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s.

The SRB’s were made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to have made them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what was arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.  And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important?  Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything… and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

Why, Why, Why …

… do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And my FAVORITE¦

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they’re OK, then it’s you.

Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**