—Astute (but true) observations …..

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?

I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

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Interior Decorating at its Most Original

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE.

THIS IS A  CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE.

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There’s another..below.

 BATHROOM  PAINTED FLOOR!!!

IMAGINE  YOU ARE AT A PARTY ….

Tenth  floor of a hi-rise building…..

AND  THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM…

You open the door… NOW,  REMEMBER

  THE  FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED  FLOOR!

KINDA  TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY…..

DOESN’T  IT?

Scroll sloooooooowly. …..

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Would  this mess up your mind???    Would you be able to walk  in To  this bathroom???

New treatment for sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.  He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted, after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.  With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’? 

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

 

That is a BIG bear!!!!

The downloaded pictures are of a man who works for the US Forest Service in Alaska and the bear he had to kill. (killed in self defense).

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He was out deer hunting last week when a large grizzly bear charged him from about 50 yards away.  The guy emptied his 7mm Magnum semi-automatic rifle into the bear and it dropped a few feet from him.  The big bear was still alive so he reloaded and shot it several times in the head.


The bear was just over one thousand six hundred pounds.  It stood 12′ 6″ high at the shoulder, 14′ to the top of his head.  It’s the largest grizzly bear ever recorded in the world.

Of course, the Alaska Fish and Wildlife Commission did not let him keep it as a trophy, but the bear will be stuffed and mounted, and placed on display at the Anchorage airport to remind tourists of the risks involved when in the wild.

Based on the contents of the bears stomach, the Fish and Wildlife Commission established the bear had killed at least two humans in the past 72 hours including a missing hiker

The US Forest Service, backtracking from where the bear had originated, found the hiker’s 38-caliber pistol emptied.  Not far from the pistol were the remains of the hiker.  The other body has not been found.

Although the hiker fired six shots and managed to hit the grizzly with four shots (the Service ultimately found four 38 caliber slugs along with twelve 7mm slugs inside the bear’s dead body), it only wounded the bear and probably angered it immensely.

The bear killed the hiker an estimated two days prior to the bear’s own death by the gun of the Forest Service worker.

Think about this:
If you are an average size man; You would be level with the bear’s navel when he stood upright.  The bear would look you in the eye when it walked on all fours!  To give additional perspective, consider that this particular bear, standing on its hind legs, could walk up to an average single story house and look over the roof, or walk up to a two story house and look in the bedroom windows.

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks.  This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?  Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they had tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would have broken on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?  Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with it?’ you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.  (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you saw a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there were two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These were solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s.

The SRB’s were made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to have made them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what was arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.  And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important?  Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything… and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

Why, Why, Why …

… do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And my FAVORITE¦

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they’re OK, then it’s you.

Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**

 

More than just a picture

20 Obvious Signs Humanity Is Regressing

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Captain Obvious Sign 
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#20
Captain Obvious Sign 

Google Pizza

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it’s Google Pizza.              I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.       OK. I would like to order a pizza.       Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at London Drugs, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago.

Don’t Snort Viagra

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