BRITISH HUMOUR

Whether these were really written as complaints, or not, they are hilarious. Enjoy
 

 Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
 
1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
 
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my 
knob off.
 
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he 
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
 
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
 
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I 
think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
 
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
 
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
 
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and 
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
 
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
 
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just  plain filthy.
 
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole 
house and I just can’t take it anymore.
 
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is 
cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water (brits refer to pee as 
water**), it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces..
 
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 
am his cock wakes me up.
 
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is 
unsightly and dangerous.
 
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,

so please send someone round to do something about it.

  18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do 
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
 
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my 
wife..
 
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still 
have no satisfaction.
 
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t 
get BBC 2.
 
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has 
fungus growing in it.

(** In some circumstances Brits refer to pee as water e.g. bodily plumbing referred to as waterworks.   On a descending scale of gentility urine might be referred to as water, pee or piss. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/pee  -Ed.(ex-pat Brit))

Smile While You Still Have Teeth

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.”  Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,  “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


Life is short,


Give me an Amen brothers and sisters!

Beer Bottles and MJ

A Scottish Love Story

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Dae ye no’ think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

 

BIRD BRAIN?

Bird brain eh?
Crows are known to be very smart birds. Some first nation people called the Crow “the great Joker.”
The Pacific Nations included the head of a crow on their totems……..
This crow is using its Bird Brain…        
                This is beyond good………this is stunning.
                Watch this crow work out the puzzle.
                 Please turn sound on!

 

 

So… What’s the problem?

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”

(YES, YES, GO AHEAD – READ IT AGAIN)

======================================

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the river”.

=============================================

 

This is a frightening statistic !

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

==============================================

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Walmart?

 

===============================================

He must pay !

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

 

==============================

Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

A Hospital Bill

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”
asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

hospitalbill

The Perfect Man

This was soooo touching!

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing – you’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano!  He was an amazing guy.”

Passen ger: “Sounds like he was somebody really special.”

Cabbie: “Oh hell there’s more. He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me  – I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well. I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

A Real Dilemma

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas …Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.” But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

Pavarotti’s Granddaughter

A VOICE THAT NO MONEY CAN BUY!

PAVAROTTI ALIVE.

It is beautiful and emotional. Pavarotti’s grand daughter is only 15 years old.

Volume up, sit back and enjoy.

What a voice, she inherited a lot of Pavarotti’s DNA.

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